00:01.88
Matt Dahse
What's up, y'all? It's the holiday season coming up, and if you're anything like me, especially my days when I lived in Houston, Texas, you might be on your way to a family function and feeling anxious, feeling nervous. You're supposed to be feeling good, right? It's a family gathering, but you know that as soon as you walk through that door, it's a minefield of politics and, uh, expectations and triggers and judgments and all of that. You have to get through and smile through and yeah.
00:30.16
Matt Dahse
In today's episode, we're going to tell you how to break that down, how to shift your perspective and implement a tool that you can use five minutes before you walk through that front door. That's going to allow this trigger landmine into a shadow map. That's going to allow you to step into self-improvement. So stay tuned. Here we go.
00:52.68
Matt Dahse
What's up, everybody? Welcome to the Father's Sons Brothers podcast. This is Matt Dazzi coming to you from Andalusia in Southern Spain. ah in Lynx country, and I'm joined as always by Gareth Pickering, who I believe is coming from ah from the Sacred Valley in Peru. Gareth, how you doing, brother?
01:13.52
Gareth Pickering
It's normally Guatemala and I'm in Peru right now. it's a It's amazing to be in the Sacred Valley. It's my first time that I've ever stepped onto the South American continent. And before I got here, I just had a sense that I was going to love South America and Colombia's been calling, Peru's been calling. And yeah, I'm here for an Ister level two. I'm staying with a friend of mine, as I said, in the Sacred Valley.
01:36.37
Gareth Pickering
As I look out the window, ah just behind the camera that's recording this podcast, I can see up into these Andes mountains and the sun's busy setting on them with clouds over the top. And yeah, it's amazing.
01:46.83
Gareth Pickering
And it feels amazing to be doing this podcast with you, who looks like someone from the Blair Witch Project. If you're listening to this audio, flick over to the YouTube version and check Matt out. He's recording this podcast from outside his camper van.
01:59.59
Gareth Pickering
Where are you bro? In a forest, in a campsite.
02:01.59
Matt Dahse
Yeah, I'm in a pine forest in Lynx country. I'm hoping to see one walk by at any point I've got my headset on so I can put the spotlight on them. But yeah, we're, a we're down here in the south of Spain, we're trying to move the family. So it's like, we took the whole fam, got them in a camper van, the whole fam, me, my wife and my three year old son, and came down here and we've been staying in a campground for most of these days and chasing down apartments. But yeah, we're fully committed to moving down here and it's been a journey.
02:28.42
Matt Dahse
And like I think about the triggers we're going to talk about in the family dynamics, uh, being stuck in a camper van also has them as well. And, uh, yeah, we've been, we've been navigating our own communication and emotional channels and it's been intense man and great.
02:43.08
Matt Dahse
And I think we found our house. So yeah, looking forward to the next chapter.
02:47.52
Gareth Pickering
Yeah, man. So let's we'll talk about that at the end, because I want to talk about some of the the tools that you used for that process. We love talking about reality creation and how you use some of these tools. But when we were preparing for this episode, we were like, how can we use some of these lifestyle design tools and communication frameworks that we have to support the listeners of this podcast to navigate what should be one of the most joyous times of the year, but can be one of the most challenging, and that's family gatherings.
03:15.41
Matt Dahse
Yeah, bro. And family gatherings, they're they're it, right? Because these are people who have known you your whole life, and they know these past versions of you, and they expect you to be that past version of you. And yeah, sometimes it feels like you've evolved so much since the last time you've seen, you know, the aunt, the uncle, the cousin, the the the old neighbor from down the street, right? ah You expect them to see the new version of you, but they're stuck seeing the old. And That's triggering. I can find myself in a state of defensiveness when I'm in those scenarios, and it's it's hard to see the forest through the trees ah when you're when you're in the thick of it there. How about you, the Earth?
03:56.03
Gareth Pickering
For me, there's this theme of like, I think it comes from anybody that's doing any personal development work. Like if you're committed to your growth, which I think for me means recognizing where I have triggers and we'll get into exactly what that is and what the what the magic of a trigger actually is, but really the sense of like, as you start to grow into a different version of yourself and then you go back to circumstances where people have a different view of who they think you are,
04:23.97
Gareth Pickering
For me, there's this part of saying, can I honor the new version of myself when I go back into those situations? So for me, for an example, might be alcohol, you know, like I don't drink so much alcohol anymore. Some of the friends and legacy relationships that I have, if I was to go back to maybe parts of South Africa, is those people perhaps might be have a different relationship to alcohol. And can I stay true to the version of myself that's changed and evolved while going back into those those scenarios? And it can be a really difficult space to be in where you want to be this new version of you, the authentic version of Gareth, while navigating relationships with people that are like, you know, we used to skull six beers before we had Christmas dinner standing around the briar and that might not be my truth anymore. And so, yeah, we wanted to share a ah framework to be able to recognize where things come up for you and how you can
05:19.37
Gareth Pickering
Use whatever's coming up for you, as a as Matt said, like a shadow map for your personal growth, rather than it completely taking you out of your ease and your comfort. At a time of year that's supposed to be joyful, you're supposed to be relaxing and having a good time with the family and people that you love. But these this tension between who you've become or how you've evolved and people in your life that are there that, yeah, perhaps have a different view of the world from you or perhaps want you to be the version of you that you used to be, can be a really tricky time.
05:50.17
Matt Dahse
I think the mindset that you bring into it is so important. I can think of times when I've stepped through the front door knowing it was going to be bad, like expecting it to be difficult.
05:54.96
Gareth Pickering
Mm hmm.
06:00.73
Matt Dahse
And I don't want to use the word terrible, but like knowing that things were going to go wrong. It was just a matter of time and how the mind works. Like when you step into a scenario, sort of expecting those things, you look for them to happen as almost like a ah validation to to the feelings and the anxiety leading up to it.
06:18.20
Matt Dahse
and Yeah, part of what we're going to share is show you show you how to flip that script so that you oh something just moved. Sorry.
06:28.97
Gareth Pickering
Yeah?
06:30.20
Matt Dahse
Yeah.
06:30.55
Gareth Pickering
Is it a lynx?
06:32.50
Matt Dahse
It could be a Lynx anyway.
06:36.75
Matt Dahse
Sorry, that really threw me off.
06:37.87
Gareth Pickering
yeah
06:38.29
Matt Dahse
It really threw me off.
06:43.63
Gareth Pickering
ah We were teeing up the um the part of this which is what you were saying is like how do we take this challenging time and really recognize where the anticipation that we have for an event or the story that we tell and about an event before it happens has a huge if not like 90% influence on how that event is likely to occur and we've spoken before on the podcast and we teach this inside ah the foundational training inside the father-son's brother's tribe, which is your stories that you tell yourself shape the reality of what unfolds in your world. And I think before the link's nearly got you, you were talking about like, you're anticipating that family gathering is going to be ugly or you know challenging or triggering. That tends to be how the family gathering unfolds.
07:34.66
Matt Dahse
Right. And there's a layer to that as well where I'll tell myself a story that it's going to be bad so that I can start justifying and finding excuses not to go to these things. And like, I don't think I've ever exited a family gathering being like, fuck, that was a waste of time. Like it's awesome being with people that you love. It's awesome reconnecting with people who you only get to see once a year or once every few years. And yeah, I've, I've seen myself talking myself out of that. And I know some of my buddies have to, you know,
08:07.27
Matt Dahse
One of my uncles once told me, one of my uncles once told me that you're never going to remember why you left a family event or why you didn't go, but you'll always regret that you didn't go.
08:07.54
Gareth Pickering
So let's start straight into the practical part of this.
08:21.25
Matt Dahse
And that always stuck with me. That was my uncle Chris. Anyway, I wanted to bring that one.
08:27.70
Gareth Pickering
That's beautiful. I think there's something about this, which is like you can see being triggered at a family event as something challenging. But if you're committed to your personal development, you can only be triggered if you're loaded, meaning whatever triggers you is an opportunity for you to recognize that you have an old story or something that's happening in your experience is triggering a potential core wound. And there's nothing that's going to trigger you more than your intimate relationships or relationships with family. Maybe your kids, I think that would possibly be one of those things as well, like a really strong mirror for whatever's alive in your world. And so I want to share the the two parts that I think we could support you with during this
09:08.33
Gareth Pickering
festive season through recognizing this frame of your triggers or your treasures. When something triggers you, there's an opportunity there for you to grow and Let's start with the first part of this training, which is how do you set yourself up to win rather than having some story and some narrative that this is gonna be terrible and I'm not looking forward to this. And this is using something that we call a pregame. And so high level overview of the pregame. You can do a pregame in the morning. We suggest doing a pregame every day before you wake up. You can do a pregame before a year of your life, or you can do a pregame before the family gathering.
09:46.40
Gareth Pickering
And they all follow a similar framework. And even if you've forgotten to do this and you're walking through the front door, as Matt said, if you think you're going into a minefield, you're probably going to be going into a minefield. If you take a breath and reframe that experience as an opportunity to be with people that you love and a chance for you to see what's genuinely alive in these relationships that have been in your life for most of your life, it's a really, really powerful opportunity for you to find some growth opportunities. So a pregame looks like this. Take a breath.
10:17.39
Gareth Pickering
and then list three things that you can be grateful for in your life right now. What's happened in that short teaching section there is you've shifted your energy from anxiety and anticipation to a place of calm and an opportunity to be grateful for the things that are in your world. You're gonna go and see family, you're with, in Matt's case, your wife and kid about to walk through the door, food on the table, drink, like it's a beautiful time. So just dropping into that frequency of gratitude automatically shifts your,
10:47.11
Gareth Pickering
you your vibration as you move into this this experience, which, if as Matt said, if you don't frame it properly, it's going to be an experience of of challenge. So that's the first one. The second is what we call placing orders. How do you want this to go? You are the one writing the story from moment to moment. How do you want this opportunity to go?
11:06.43
Gareth Pickering
I want to connect deeply with Uncle Jack. I want to listen to my brother-in-law talk about his version of politics, which I may or may not agree with. I want to be in my ease. I want to make sure that I'm there for my partner. List the things that you want this experience to be. You're writing the story of how you want this experience to unfold. So you start with gratitude, three things. You write down three to four, maybe five things of how you want it to go in practical terms, like I explained.
11:33.34
Gareth Pickering
And then you talk about how you want to feel. Matt, give us some examples of how you want to feel at Christmas dinner.
11:38.74
Matt Dahse
Yeah, I want to feel inflow. I want to feel authentically me. I want to feel heard. I also want to feel full. I want to enjoy the meal. I want to place orders and feel different moments of joy, feel connection. You know, these are all things. And when I go through the emotion piece, it's not just about what I want to feel. I want to think about how the people I'm going to interact are going to feel as well.
12:01.75
Matt Dahse
I want them to feel heard. I want them to feel loved.
12:03.62
Gareth Pickering
Yep.
12:04.57
Matt Dahse
And and that that different frame, you'll find that often the ah the emotions that you want to feel are different from the emotions that you want others to feel, and the same in a lot of ways too. But I find that when I go through the exercise, there's a different language that I use to describe the other people and me, and it just brings those positive emotions in into the forefront so that you you connect with them and find them.
12:26.63
Gareth Pickering
So good. That was the last part. The last part of this training is how do I want to feel and then how do I want somebody else to feel? And this is important. As Matt said, you know if if you want the other person to feel heard, then perhaps I want to feel relaxed. you know So if I feel relaxed, then I'm listening and then the other person feels heard. But if you don't bring any awareness to this pregame before you walk through the door,
12:47.78
Gareth Pickering
your family function is going to unfold without you having any conscious awareness of what's happening. So before you walk through that door, maybe you're listening to this right now and you've got a family function coming up, take a moment to write down three things that you're grateful for.
13:00.93
Gareth Pickering
Write down three to five things of how you want the day to go, practically, or we call it placing orders, like imagine ordering your day exactly the way you want it to go. How am I gonna feel? And then how do I want other people to feel? And this is gonna set you up in a very different way to how Matt described it of like, ah, I'm opening the door feeling anxious, this is gonna be minefield. It ends up being a minefield, why? Because I fucking said it was gonna be a minefield. Change the story and you change your reality. ah
13:29.12
Matt Dahse
Yeah, it's it's a powerful exercise. And like Gareth said, this is something you can do every single day for the year, or or just these moments that ah that come up in life. it's ah It's a powerful tool.
13:39.83
Matt Dahse
And my partner and I actually do it together when we're on our way somewhere. We'll we'll say the gratitude pieces out loud, and then we'll do a check-in. Are you grateful? Are you grateful? Yes, yes. All right, now let's go to the next step.
13:50.78
Matt Dahse
What do we want to see here? What are we calling in? How do we want to feel?
13:54.11
Gareth Pickering
So good.
13:55.45
Matt Dahse
Powerful, y'all.
13:57.25
Gareth Pickering
So good.
13:57.07
Matt Dahse
You know, we're going to be doing ah
13:58.83
Gareth Pickering
So that's the frame.
13:58.91
Matt Dahse
We're going to be doing a postgame. Oh, sorry. Go ahead.
14:04.35
Gareth Pickering
No, I just wanted to bring one last piece, which is once this has been set up, you're still going to go into this family gathering and you're still going to potentially be sitting there with family. And one of the things I would suggest that you place as an order in this pregame is self-awareness. Can I track myself in this in this family gathering? Because the second part of this is what you want to do is recognize that as you move through these couple of hours with family while sitting around the Christmas dinner table,
14:34.63
Gareth Pickering
They are going to be moments, even if you do the best possible pregame, that you're still going to be triggered. Your brother-in-law is going to say the thing that he always says, or Uncle Jack's going to get drunk, or your mom's going to be dismissive of your dad, and that's going to bring shit up for you because this is the nature of these really strong legacy relationships that you have with family.
14:51.44
Gareth Pickering
And the second part of this is for you to just make a mental note or ah make a note on your phone of what are the things that still triggered you, because there's still doesn't matter how much you you set up for this and how well you think you've done for this particular pregame to set up this family gathering, you're still going to be triggered by some stuff. And, you know, Matt was saying beforehand, before we were preparing for the show, he said, how did you describe a approach tracking journal prompt opportunities? What did you say?
15:19.68
Matt Dahse
it's like ah It's like a journal prompt scavenger hunt. you know Every time you see one of these triggers coming up, you know grabbing a hold of it because, I mean, for me, when I understand the trigger and I see the pattern that creates it, it's way easier for me to navigate it and handle it.
15:26.04
Gareth Pickering
Exactly.
15:36.43
Matt Dahse
And so, yeah, you know that you're going to be walking into an environment that's like a target rich environment of finding these these personal triggers. and so If you just go in with that self-awareness piece and call that in as an order, you're going to find them and you're going to walk away from this as a stronger version of yourself. And so yeah, opportunity time, y'all. Knock, knock.
15:59.26
Gareth Pickering
so So when you get these triggers, this is the last piece. You're just basically gonna leave your family gathering. You're gonna be in your ease. You're gonna feel exactly the way you did that you wrote down in your pregame. The people around you are gonna feel in their ease because that's how you scripted it to be. And then you're gonna leave with five or six opportunities where you got triggered or you noticed something came up for you and instead of being reactive, you now have an opportunity for you to sit post family gathering and do some journaling and realize, wow, I really noticed that I got upset when mom was dismissive of dad because it brought up some old story of me that reminded me of just free flow with those journal prompts as Matt said.
16:39.54
Gareth Pickering
use them as an opportunity to see what are the stories that are making you feel uncomfortable in these in these moments because they really are a strong opportunity for you to see where you have old software running, where you have legacy relationships or core wounds that are very much alive in you and if you've grown in your life and you come back into these environments it's a really powerful opportunity for you to see these. So That's what I would suggest. Make sure that you are prepared going in using that format of the pregame. Gratitude, placing orders, how do I want to feel? How do I want other people to feel? Step through that door in your power.
17:17.00
Gareth Pickering
Be there in your ease, self-assessing how you are in every moment, aware of what's going on in your body. When those triggers come up, notice what they are, make a note of what they are. And then later on in the evening, if you're if you're someone that's focused on your personal growth, you will take those opportunities and be the author of your life and rewrite those stories. I no longer have to feel uncomfortable when my mom is dismissive of my dad. That's not my responsibility. I love them for who they are. That's who they are. I'm rewriting the story. Next trigger, write it down. Use this opportunity to, instead of it being a minefield of challenges and going home feeling uncomfortable, you feel in your power and you use it as an opportunity for growth.
17:59.23
Matt Dahse
Yeah, so strong identifying these stories that we run, and we run them all the time. And like you said, Gareth, we can change those stories. And that's that's what you do with them. and when you When you write them down, you identify them. yeah You really check in with what that story is, and and you you rewrite how you want it to be. And it works.
18:18.33
Gareth Pickering
So good, man. Thank you so much for making the time for this, bro. Before we sign out of here, let's talk about how we are using some of these tools inside the Legendary Lover Method. You are a participant in this, going through the journey for the second time. Give us a little thumbnail of what's ah unfolding inside this men's relationship and sexual mastery container.
18:36.76
Matt Dahse
Oh man, it's, uh, it's powerful. We're currently in day 10 of a non-ejaculation challenge and playing with that energy with breath work and figuring out how to transmute that into manifestation as my light is going out. And it's been super powerful, man. We've got a, we've got a strong container. I'll say that much.
19:01.12
Matt Dahse
And the the wisdom that Leonard has been bringing to it so far, he's been teaching this first part, has been powerful. He's a strong space holder.
19:12.38
Gareth Pickering
Yeah, feeling a lot of gratitude to be running this program again. um It's a co-creation between myself and Leonard. And as I said, it's ah it's a relationship and sexual mastery container. And you know it's really set in this frame that relationships are one of the most important elements that bring meaning to life. And there's a study that happened in Harvard that of over 84 years they interviewed ah People at the end of life and they said to them what are the things that made your life meaningful or made or made created a happy life for you and it was relationships was the number one thing that came up like people that had meaningful relationships value their lives to have meaning and those who didn't.
19:52.64
Gareth Pickering
said that their lives seemed to lack some sense of meaning. And relationships was more important by a factor of three to one than personal success, success in business, or making money. like It was three times more likely that this was ah an indicator of a meaningful life. And so if this is such an important part of our lives, why do we not have an opportunity for us to train the skills that are required to navigate relationships well? And we've spent this whole podcast talking about relationships, like hopefully some of the tools that we're supporting you with here you can use to navigate the the family relationships that you have. But the legendary lover method is often underway and it's been a really, really beautiful start and it feels great to have you be part of this, bro. So thanks for being part of it. What else we got happening next, King Circle?
20:38.61
Matt Dahse
Next King Circle, I think is the, I'm sure is the 29th of December. And we're going to be doing a postgame pregame format for that, I believe.
20:45.09
Gareth Pickering
Yep.
20:47.83
Matt Dahse
And that's an exciting time for us to come together for two hours on ah the last Sunday of the year.
20:49.77
Gareth Pickering
ye Yep, yep.
20:53.75
Matt Dahse
And yeah, speak our truth, be heard and implement some strong tools to start ah the next year out. Right. Like, you know, part of the, one of the things we were looking at with with this year is You know, you don't want to be in a place where you're disappointed in your current year and the next year is coming up and you're doing the same things you did the year before, expecting different results.
21:13.95
Matt Dahse
Like now, you know, this first week of December as we're recording this is the time that you wrap up the year, you do the things right to reflect on what you could have done better and you put the things in place that are going to elevate you the next year.
21:14.94
Gareth Pickering
Mm hmm.
21:28.99
Matt Dahse
And and now's the time to do that work. So yeah. King's Circle, 29th of December, it's happening. Be there.
21:38.26
Gareth Pickering
Yeah, stoked to be co-creating the King Circle again. This will be King Circle number 32 and to date we've had 780 odd men that have joined the King Circle. It's a powerful, powerful container of something that we call integrated leaders. This is a leader who recognizes that in order to show up in your life and in your family is to do the personal work and to start to track these stories that shape your reality. So we share tools and frameworks and create a safe space for for leaders to come together and actually practice these tools in real time. And the one that we're going to be teaching it to at the end of this year is going to be a setup for making sure that 2025 is the best year for you possible. So
22:20.34
Gareth Pickering
Make sure that you are not sitting here a year from now feeling like you haven't shown up in all the areas of your life that you wanted to. and um yeah Join us at the King's Circle 29th of December. We will put a link in the show notes. and yeah Make sure that you're there. Before you sign out, I just want to and share one last piece with you before ah Before we let you go, and that is the most recent episode, episode number 53 of The Father's Son's Brothers podcast. I had an amazing chat with Jed Darmond. Jed Darmond is an OG in men's work and he spoke about how he has supported almost 40,000 men throughout his career and um
23:02.31
Gareth Pickering
supported them through relationships. He has supported them through some of the challenges of male menopause. We also spoke about a framework of how to recognize what are the most important things to focus on in your life. And it was a real honor to be able to sit down with Jed and to be able to have a conversation with him and really riff on some of the stuff around men's work. I feel like my journey into men's work is so fresh in so many ways. I feel like, in some ways I feel like a pioneer, you know,
23:31.39
Gareth Pickering
at a cutting edge of a new technology and making men's work more accessible, more a ah thing in the collective consciousness and it's still pretty new. And then I meet somebody like Jed diamond who's been in the game for almost 50 years and it was really beautiful to sit down with him. I also asked him what advice he had for his 45 year old self. And yeah, the answer that he gave was absolutely amazing. So if you haven't checked it out yet, we'll put a link to that in the show notes as well. Episode number 53 of the father, son's brothers podcast with Jed diamond.
24:03.36
Gareth Pickering
And it looks like Matt has run out of battery power because he's gone offline in this recording. So bro, I'm going to say goodbye to you and you can catch this on the replay. Thank you for tuning into this episode of the podcast. Many blessings as you navigate the festive season with the beloved people in your life. And thank you for being part of this.
24:21.98
Gareth Pickering
community and for being an integrated leader and taking the time to consume this content. If this resonated with you and you feel like it would support other men in your life, please feel free to share this with them. When you share these episodes, it really supports us to get the work that we're putting into this co-creation out into the world to support more men, which is our mission. So thank you for being part of this. Until next time. Ciao.
33:53.01
Matt Dahse
Yo. Can you hear me?
34:06.24
Matt Dahse
hear me
34:52.25
Matt Dahse
Hello, hello.
37:45.23
Matt Dahse
Can you hear me?
37:49.96
Matt Dahse
Can you hear me? Okay. Yeah, but it when I restarted the internet, it did a whole bunch of stuff and it said uploading complete, and it showed all those things. And then now it looks like it's a new Zencaster at this point, because I just left my browser open.
38:24.48
Matt Dahse
Okay, right now under me it says recording in progress and nothing for you. Connect to the Zencaster.
38:48.63
Matt Dahse
No, i got I got audio video settings, which is nothing. and then I can turn my camera off.
