00:00.00
FSB
Hello and welcome to the show. My guest today is Blake Zealear Blake welcome to the father son's brothers podcast epic to have you here my man.
00:08.15
Blake Zealear
Um, thank you Gareth! Thank you for the invitation man. It's great to see you great to be here.
00:40.25
FSB
So you just off air before we started recording you shared that you'd had a like a tumultuous last couple months. What's been moving since since we met bro.
00:50.44
Blake Zealear
Um, well man, it's it's it's been a lot about a month ago I had my rotator cuff completely rebuilt. Um, like I reinjured it last october and that put me in the path of getting an mri and finally getting like ah a proper. Diagnosis I've had like a troubled shoulder for like 10 years just doing sports injuries and stuff. But then I got the um mri and man it was bad like basically 2 ah 2 out of 4 tendons were completely torn through and the third one was really damaged and so it was a whole. And a whole journey like since last fall of trying to figure out like what can I do about this the first surgeon basically was like sorry to tell you this man but it's pretty much beyond repair. So I got a second opinion. Thank goodness and the second guy was much more confident that he could actually reattach my existing tendon. So. Did but I got a triple reattachment of all 3 across the top anyway. So I'm grateful for that. Finally, especially since I'm right-handed like not having proper use in my right arm. That's the pain. That's a pain. Um, but I'll tell you do in the in the months
01:59.10
FSB
Um, while.
02:05.33
Blake Zealear
Since the injury until the surgery like I've been in this whole like healing portal and really like tuning in to my body into my shoulders specifically like hey what's going on here like how did how did this get so bad you know and like sports it.
02:21.69
FSB
Um, what did you find they go into that inquiry.
02:26.70
Blake Zealear
Um, a lot of stuff that some of your listeners might relate to let's call it like rage and the the impotence of manhood you know, just being like furious with the world or furious with my partner or furious with my parents and.
02:33.99
FSB
Aha.
02:42.77
FSB
Aha. Ah.
02:43.26
Blake Zealear
Not not knowing what to do with it and you know and so years ago before I had like healthy emotional release tools that was a lot of a lot of sports but like kind of overdoing it with my athletic copies and like throwing my throwing my arm out. Um, but man I also.
02:58.11
FSB
Aha.
03:02.72
Blake Zealear
I Also found a lot of really sad memories of times when I was just breaking down and like kind of losing it losing my cool emotionally and like throwing my body into doors and walls and and like memories of like slamming my hand into the passenger seat of the car just trying to like. Spend some of my energy and so this phrase the body keeps the score as far as trauma is concerned. That's what I found is that this is where most of my score. My score was kept. Yeah.
03:30.57
FSB
That's true I Want to go there So what? what happens in that process. So you're actually conscious of the fact that you have a shoulder Injury. You're going to see some specialists. And part of your healing Journey. What? what? what happens in your experience are there sort of memories coming up that you're like ah this was definitely stored here like how do you know? It's or I mean ah yeah, it'd be keen to hear what that's like.
03:47.64
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah, Well I mean what you're asking about I suppose is like my spiritual practice which is very shamonically inclined. So um, you know through meditation and through introspection and. Little bit of like internal dialoguing you know, like talking to my shoulder and asking questions of it and talking to myself as a younger man, you know when a lot of these injuries took place like hey Well what's going on for you there man? um.
04:20.76
FSB
Um.
04:21.39
Blake Zealear
And you know some of that happens out loud for me some of that happens just in like I said in meditation, it's a quiet reflection kind of piece. Um, but yeah I don't really see I mean you know in my professional life like I'm all about supporting healing and others and in myself and.
04:29.26
FSB
Um, nothing.
04:39.22
Blake Zealear
For most of my career so far that's been very much like healing the emotional body healing the heart healing healing the mind as well. But healing from our from our traumatic experiences and this was a little more of just the physical realm and so I knew that it wasn't just I have a torn rotator cuff. It was like.
04:55.47
FSB
Yes.
04:58.59
Blake Zealear
There's more to it than that you know it's It's like I just went in with a lot of curiosity basically of you know how did we get here. You know hey hey body like what's Up. Can you got you got anything to tell Me. You know how did we get here and and I just love flashbacks to my marriage to my ex-wife which was very toxic and a lot of years of watching my parents collapse and lose everything and my father's death and all just the grief and sorrow and rage that came from that it's like. I Really tuned in. That's what surfaced it wasn't just memories of like of sports it was memories of like the heaviest darkest moments of my life like that's what's there.
05:34.62
FSB
Event.
05:43.42
FSB
Right? Your body's actually keeping an imprint of those experiences somewhere in there if you have enough of them that you don't move actually eventually manifest as some sort of Ill illness or yeah lack of mobility in the body or or pain.
05:51.30
Blake Zealear
Um, begin.
05:53.76
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah, disease you know any place in our life that we were that we were suffering and not in ease we were in disease if that could sorted the body you know in in sexual shamanism. We call those sacred spots. Your sacred spots have a little the little knots that form in our tissues where energy and emotion and trauma gets stored and the way to release. It is an actual physical method. It's not just ah, not just an introspection. It's a combination of those 2.
06:12.37
FSB
Ah, ah.
06:27.10
FSB
Maybe this is an opportunity for me to ask you to share what you mean by shamanic practices or shamanism. You've used the word someone doesn't know what that means what? how would you describe that and how does it relate to what you're talking to.
06:40.15
Blake Zealear
Yeah, so most of my training in shammanism comes from Ista The international school of temple arts and and the the brotherhood program that I helped Run. It's an offshoot of that the raminder brotherhood me. Work in in the shamanic realms a lot. So What we mean by that is stepping into non-ordinary reality. The Dream world could be thought of as non-ordinary reality Transcendental Meditation can be thought of as non-ordinary reality. The places that we can go in ritual or in ceremony where we are traveling through time visiting with ah a younger version of ourself or perhaps a future self or communicating with somebody who's already deceased. These are the types of shamanic activities that I've been trained to. Go into to create spaces for those kind of rituals to occur where things happen that don't that you know don't make sense in the in the typical ordinary reality that we all did it? Um, but ah perhaps what makes it a shamanic experience is that you.
07:44.53
FSB
Um.
07:48.60
Blake Zealear
The journey through non-ordinary reality you come out of the other side changed in some way that's a shamanic process. It's like you dipped into a a journey through your timeline. You go back in time and you stand up to that bully on the playground that you never stood up to when you were 10 years old and you knock his lights out where where.
07:54.81
FSB
Um, the half.
08:08.00
Blake Zealear
You know when you were actually 10 years old you ran away crying you you change you change something inside yourself something shifts and then you can come out of the other side of that experience a different person a different man and that's where I've seen some of the most profound healing experiences and how I've done many of the.
08:09.15
FSB
Yes.
08:27.82
Blake Zealear
Found healing experiences in my life does that answer the question pretty well. Yeah yeah.
08:29.20
FSB
So good. Yeah, it does. Um I I know you so I'm sort of lining these questions up in a way that I that I actually want to get to because there's the there's the piece about Neurolinguistic programming which also has this idea of doing timeline regression and so having studied that as Well. The. Piece that you're talking into is the opportunity to go back and rewrite the history in a way that shifts your timeline in your current reality. So The bully that you feel a lot of like guilt or resentment or rage towards where you didn't have your power. You didn't have your voice. You can go back and journey back to that place and actually using these shimani processes. And the guidance of somebody that knows how to support this actually go back and rewrite that timeline integrate that part of your life. It could be Traumatic. It could be something Painful. It could be anything and actually shift your experience and the current reality to let go of those things. So Yeah, I'm really glad that you shed that. Thank you.
09:20.81
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah, and you nailed that neurolinguistic programming is shamanism for psychologists. It's it's basically it's basically the same approach to creating change processes within the individual and Nlp was just developed by classic western psychologists and.
09:26.60
FSB
Yeah, yeah.
09:40.30
Blake Zealear
Shamanism has a more ancient kind of lineage.
09:41.40
FSB
You work at the intersection of men's work feminism sacred sexuality and new paradigm relating. There's a lot in there. Let me start with feminism then go to sacred sexuality and new paradigm Relating. What are those.? How do those come together for you. What how do those become your your teachers.
10:05.20
Blake Zealear
Yeah, thank you for asking? Um, feminism has I used it in my bio which is what you're quoting from to me I'm describing what I would call strident feminism or fourth wave feminism or cutting edge feminism which is. Honoring the feminine in all of its forms. No matter where it shows up so that includes the feminine in men the feminine in children the feminine in nature and of course our sisters all right? So first way feminine was much very much. But.
10:34.81
FSB
Um.
10:37.52
Blake Zealear
Just empowering women which is fantastic and step in the right direction but I feel like the the modern expression of feminism as I'm walking in it is to honor the feminism everywhere that she shows up ah honor the feminine everywhere that she shows up. Yeah.
10:49.60
FSB
Um, yes.
10:53.65
Blake Zealear
And so how that ties in with men's work is you know being born in a male body. A lot of what I'm teaching in my men's work to to other brothers is how to honor their own feminine How to hold space for themselves How to develop a sense of inner Union where they are both lover and beloved to themselves. They are both. The one who leads and the one who can surrender to themselves and and there's ah, a strong inner relationship between their various halves or parts depending on how you want to how you want to look at that and that's a lot of the the teaching that we bring to the men's programs that they run and indeed.
11:23.68
FSB
Um.
11:31.31
Blake Zealear
I also think that what a lot of men are looking for when they are seeking support from other men whether that's to come to a retreat or one on-one private coaching or coming to an event like ista is a lot of them. Want to know how to path.
11:42.65
FSB
And.
11:48.32
Blake Zealear
Bring their gifts to the world or like penetrate the world with their gifts. They want to know how to hold space for their partner for their children for all the suffering that they see in the world and they want to know how to relate to their own emotional body without collapsing into shame or defeat.
11:59.17
FSB
The.
12:07.30
Blake Zealear
And these are these are both can be described as aspects of feminism and men's work so to me those 2 are like kind of two sides of the same coin.
12:14.65
FSB
I Want I Want to come back to the other pieces because it's a piece I Want to ask you about there. How how does someone listening to this who's perhaps never heard of this idea of getting to know my inner feminine share something that he can use to.
12:21.18
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah.
12:33.47
FSB
To support him to understand us a bit better and maybe even practically apply into his own life being like okay first of all what the fuck like what does that even mean like because I I put myself in my own shoes ten years ago if someone had said getting to know my inner feminine. You probably would have lost me so what does something practically look like that someone can use in that space and.
12:40.41
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah.
12:52.20
FSB
What would be the benefits of it.
12:54.81
Blake Zealear
Yeah, great question. Thank you? Um, let's start with simply your emotions right? if we can define the feminine within us as the part of us that feels and the part of us that ah part the the part of us that expresses let's start there.
13:04.64
FSB
Okay.
13:10.87
Blake Zealear
That's maybe the simplest way to describe the feminine in each of us and this is true in ah, a woman's body and a man's body or in a non-binary body. The part of us that feels and expresses. So we all have emotions obviously and speaking to a man who has like never heard of this type of language before.
13:19.72
FSB
Brett.
13:30.53
Blake Zealear
I would say that you can turn toward your feminine. You can get to know your inner feminine better simply by acknowledging the emotions that you have and not trying to repress them not trying to pretend that they're not there not trying to like. You know, put on a good face and be like no I'm I'm fine I'm fine. Everything's fine when inside you're like you know, like that kind of thing is repression of our phone and so to just be able to plainly say like to live to listen inside be like I'm angry.
13:59.64
FSB
Ah.
14:06.38
Blake Zealear
Or I'm afraid I'm afraid or I'm really sad and like to actually express that outwardly you know like I just did with words. That's a huge step for a lot of men to simply admit I'm angry I'm afraid I'm so sad.
14:06.65
FSB
Ah.
14:13.96
FSB
Right.
14:21.80
Blake Zealear
You know and then there's of course other forms of expression. You know, like making a facial expression or raising your voice or yelling or letting the tears come so all of that is a very not just a simple but a powerful starting place for relating to our own feminine is.
14:31.90
FSB
Um.
14:39.69
Blake Zealear
Feeling acknowledging and expressing your own emotions.
14:43.11
FSB
Why do we have such a hard time doing that as men.
14:48.75
Blake Zealear
Conditioning programming societal values. It wasn't modeled for us. You know, depending on which culture we grew up in I mean you grew up in a different country than I did but we both kind of grew up in the west you know where? ah.
14:53.32
FSB
Ah.
15:03.43
Blake Zealear
A lot of what was was ah given to us is that you know men are supposed to you know don't cry and suck it up. Keep a stiff upper lift if you if you show fear then that means you you're weak if you cry that means that you're weak and if you're weak, You're not a man or you're less of a man and you know.
15:17.17
FSB
Right.
15:22.17
Blake Zealear
That's what we grew up with you know and there are other cultures like in East Asia for example where like showing joy is also considered to be taboo and so they'll like you know like suppress joy and they don't even want to let people see them smile and there's all kinds of different cultural conditions for this. Um.
15:41.10
FSB
Um.
15:41.71
Blake Zealear
You know, like the phrase keep calm and carry on you know like I know that it was it was born out of a wartime where it was actually really good advice given the chaos that was raining down upon them. But you know here we are seventy years later and it's kind of become this like this you know. Cultural norm of like just don't just remain calm no matter what you're feeling and it might serve in particular circumstances particular instances like you know you don't necessarily want to just blow up with your anger at every given moment that you're feeling it. But if we.
16:04.22
FSB
The.
16:19.53
Blake Zealear
Never if we always keep calm and carry on. We never acknowledge. What is true inside of us our true feelings then eventually they will come up 1 way or another and we call that a leak you know often. It'll be ah, a violent outburst or a. Something more subtle like a sarcastic remark. You know those are little ways of smuggling our true emotions out into the world with that being honest and transparent about what we're actually feeling.
16:41.81
FSB
Yep.
16:46.53
FSB
And.
16:52.22
FSB
I Love that analogy of the I think the saying is you can only be triggered when you loaded like if you've been suppressing emotions for long enough and then something comes into your world and suddenly you just explode that wasn't because of the dishes you didn't wash like there's been something building there for a while. So yeah.
16:59.86
Blake Zealear
Are.
17:11.91
FSB
Leaks out slowly either backhand through you know, poor remarks or bad jokes or yeah, just a lack of authenticity or like a proper Blowup when yeah, something small just triggers you and you're so loaded because you haven't shifted these emotions that they come out in a way That's yeah, messy and that's also not not good. It's not about. Not feeling those emotions. It's about letting them through safely. So um, okay so someone gets this. They're listening to this and they've understand that they should be connected to their emotions. What's the benefit. What what changes I mean maybe not being tricked is what else comes from from leaning into this and getting to know this feminine part through your emotional body.
17:50.52
Blake Zealear
Ah, Inner peace. Um I Love that expression that you just named that you can only be triggered if you're loaded I have my own little idiom about triggers which is that triggers or treasures because whenever you're triggered. It actually gives you a window into some part of you. That is buried from the past some time when the past when you were hurt or harmed and it didn't get completed. It didn't get cleaned up and so some something got repressed so it triggers your treasures because if you could really do the the men's work the shamanic work. The The. Feminism work. Whatever you want to call at the intersection of all those things and you can go in and really be honest about what's there like you know why am I blowing up about the dishes right Now. What does this remind me of like what situation or pattern from my past that's happened over and over and over again. Am I Really furious about.
18:41.61
FSB
Okay.
18:43.51
Blake Zealear
And there are ways like through ritual and and so on to create a safe and healthy outlet for whatever is stored in there and when you do when you really let it out. You're a different person on the other side and you get to move through the world as somebody who's less reactive who's less trigger a whole.
19:00.90
FSB
And.
19:02.95
Blake Zealear
Who is less so less susceptible to being knocked off center by the dishes or a comment from your boss or a complaint from your girlfriend. Whatever it is and that's the reward I mean that's what I've gotten out of it is you know, less shame.
19:11.32
FSB
And.
19:19.30
Blake Zealear
More steadiness living at ease a greater amount of the time and generally just feeling more at the Helm of life rather than being tossed around by the waves.
19:21.27
FSB
A.
19:32.32
FSB
Um, the intersection of men's work Feminism Sacred sexuality.
19:38.80
Blake Zealear
Sacred sexuality again coming primarily from from Ista the international school of temple arts has it that our sexuality or Eros if you like e R O S the the greek word for. Romantic love or sexual love is is our life force. It is no different. No just no different from our life force like that which turns us on that which is our passion is the most powerful force that moves through us if you go far enough into the teachings of ancient tomtra. You would find the belief that that's the force that created all of existence but setting that aside and keeping it to the here and now with the individual our erotic life force power is one of the most healing energies we can tap into and indeed. A lot of the healing modalities that exist in the world currently for many reasons many of which are well foundunded. But for many reasons they keep sexuality out of the realm of healing. It might be something that we talk about but we're not going to go there. But. Ista and some of its other contemporary schools um have chosen a more holistic approach of healing the whole being including their sexuality including the things that have happened to them in the most vulnerable of ways in the most vulnerable of places and beyond just like.
21:11.48
Blake Zealear
We're not really just talking about sex so much as we're talking about like the physical act of sex. But we're talking about 1 ne's relationship to 1 ne's most intimate self right? So an example of this would be like how does a nudity occur to you can you stand you know in the in the middle of a room. Naked in front of other people and feel comfortable. You know if not why you know many people can't do that worry. We've been taught to compare ourselves to ideals of beauty and you know maybe we want to be in better shape or we want to. Skinnier or whatever all of which comes from what society has told us we're supposed to look like but if ultimately the best relationship that someone could have with their own body is to simply be in pure acceptance and love and aberration of the form that they were given you know isn't that really where that.
21:50.16
FSB
I have.
22:06.20
Blake Zealear
Peace is going to come from the ability to just feel beautiful and comfortable and and sexual in 1 ne's own body regardless of the shape color size amount of hair the placement of flesh. You know it doesn't matter right? like we're all beautiful in in the way god meet us if you like in the bodies that we were given.
22:18.60
FSB
I have I have.
22:25.92
Blake Zealear
You know the the external standards of beauty that we've all been compared to are. They're just there to sell products you know like they're not they're not real they're not they don't make 1 person better than another and there are so many people I would I would.
22:37.82
FSB
Yes.
22:43.70
Blake Zealear
Venture to say the majority of people and moving through the world with some amount of shame about the way they look some amount of shame about the body that they live in and if you're in a state of shame and self-rejection of your own body. That's not in your peace and so. Sake of sexuality has it that we're not really going to achieve a true sense of inner peace if we can't accept and love the whole bee. So that includes our physical form that includes our naked bodies that includes our sexuality and. It's also sacred sexuality also holds that the I want to say this the application of sexual energy in the right way at the right time with consent can penetrate the most difficult to reach places in somebody. Again, this doesn't have to look like the physical act of sexual intercourse. But it could look like the insertion of a finger for example or even the energetic penetration of someone's body while they are for example, reliving a sexual Trump I mean that is also rampant in the world.
23:39.79
FSB
Enter.
23:54.50
FSB
Um.
23:57.20
Blake Zealear
There's so much sexual trauma out there that people are living with from childhood or from Adulthood and there's not very many places where they can go deal with it but sacred Sexuality is a way that someone can compete. Experience of a sexual assault. Let's say they can finish that trauma so that it is no longer actively controlling their life force controlling their body controlling their sexuality and. Cutting them off from pleasure cutting them off from Joy. That's what sacred sexuality is all about it's the most powerful healing modality I've ever experienced which is why I became a practitioner.
24:43.17
FSB
Um I Love It. You know it's It's a beautiful tea up because you know this is how we started the conversation. It was like the body is an an entry point into your past trauma of anger and rage and where you physically held those memories. It would make perfect sense that if you're carrying sexual trauma. The access point would be through the body and it doesn't even have to be physical but this work can be done energetically meaning the person's there and energetically someone who knows what they're doing can support them through that process in a way that's almost impossible to do just by conceptually or mentally trying to.
24:59.83
Blake Zealear
But then.
25:16.92
FSB
Solve or integrate that particular piece. So yeah, yeah, um.
25:18.28
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah, or or just talking it or just talking about it. You know that's mostly we're engaging like from here up, we're engaging the mind but sacred sexuality is everything down to the to the group.
25:32.13
FSB
Again I think those places I'll speak for myself in my life where I've been uncomfortable in my own body or felt guilt and shame about my sexual desire or my sexual past or my sexual experiences is also for me another energy Leak. It's a place where I'm spending life Force. Thinking about a part of myself. That's not actually accepting of me in the here and now and I know I've I've lost a huge amount of energy and life force thinking about that whether it's been in intimate connections like the story that perhaps my cock's not big enough for my partner or that I didn't last long enough or you know just being.
25:53.36
Blake Zealear
Um.
26:07.81
Blake Zealear
Um, when you are.
26:07.96
FSB
Naked or even without a shirt in front of someone that judgment is has been so strong for me, It's made me feel really uncomfortable in some of life's most beautiful settings and I'm like fuck I wasn't even present. You know I was so busy worrying about something that doesn't have anything to worry about it. It just it feels so.
26:18.42
Blake Zealear
Yeah.
26:25.18
FSB
And feels so liberating to have moved through that.
26:26.65
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah I thank you for saying all of that Garrett that is part and parcel of love. We're getting at here what exactly what I'm trying to serve in my work is. Thank you deserve you deserve to be fully present in the joy and bliss of making love. With everyone anyone that you're your partner and throughout your whole life to accept your body to accept your cock to love every part of it. You know it's only through it's only through the forces that we were raised with that laid these shackles upon us.
26:53.54
FSB
Um.
27:02.51
FSB
This is.
27:04.50
Blake Zealear
Make us feel the way we do in those intimate moments. Yeah, thank you brother I Really acknowledge you for bringing that.
27:13.21
FSB
There's also there's also a part as well that if unless unless we step up and do this work like let go of our own trauma and guilt and shame around our body or whatever that is. It's gonna repeat to our kids because they don't know what.
27:17.41
Blake Zealear
Are the.
27:24.73
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah.
27:27.56
FSB
Ah, different imprint looks and feels like and so this carries on and on and on until we decide to step up and be free of this stuff and get rid of this bullshit story that you're not good enough and I love that you spoken to the fact that we're being conditioned all the time to sell products like fucking realize that wake up to that point you know like. All day on your smartphone on the billboards on the highway is always like the best looking men and women the happiest possible families. The best looking holidays and you don't have it yet dude and but don't worry sign up. Yeah and will save you like that's that's real and so. Making sure that you're conscious of your attention and I think the best way to be able to be aware of that is to be fully self acceptpting if you like that's a beautiful holiday I have my own beautiful Holidays. You don't get pulled into those things in the same Way. So I'm really glad that you bought that piece. Thank you.
28:14.15
Blake Zealear
Um, you're welcome. Thank you.
28:18.79
FSB
The second part of your bio spoke about new Paradigm relating. How do you Define New Paradigm relating and what is old paradigm relating.
28:25.98
Blake Zealear
Um, they do.
28:30.63
Blake Zealear
Well 2 answers to that. The first answer is conditional. Love versus unconditional love and the second answer to that is the playbook of.
28:39.51
FSB
I have.
28:47.94
Blake Zealear
What I would call the expectation of monogamy as the only relationship path available to us and all of the trappings and all of the trappings and expectations that come with that versus creating our own relationship agreements based on what we truly want or what the individual really wants. Um.
28:53.39
FSB
F.
29:07.39
Blake Zealear
So I'll take the latter and then come back to the former because it creates a loop here So New Paradigm relating for me is kind of throwing out the script that we were handed that. You know one man one woman the nuclear family two point five kids a dog in a white picket fence is the ultimate expression of relationship or of of romantic pair bombing and we've seen how that goes for a great, many people. You know we only have to look at the divorce rates and look at the number of children who grew up in fractured homes between parents that you know had a lot of animosity towards one another and had a trauma that inflicted on them to see how well that has gone for a lot of people. So that model is fine and beautiful If. That's what you choose, you're you're choosing from a conscious place. That's the old paradigm and a lot of people I feel are not choosing it from a conscious place. They're choosing it because that's what their parents did and that's what their grandparents did and that's what the majority of people around them are defaulting to. Have no judgment of people who choose monogamy consciously. But I do have judgment of people who are choosing monogamy unconsciously just as I have deep judgment of people who are choosing non-monogamy Unconsciously and there's a great many people who are doing that too. So for me New Paradigm relating is.
30:30.84
Blake Zealear
Consciously choosing from careful and introspection and great courage as a matter of fact to throw out the status quo to confront our abandonment wounds or the idea that maybe I'm not. The most beautiful option that someone could choose or maybe I'm not the best lover or maybe I'm knocked that I don't make the most money or whatever it is to to courageously choose a relationship structure that is more flexible more porous. Perhaps um more yeah, just more subject to change and new things coming in and old things going out. So I've been a polyamorist since like twenty ten two thousand and nine I really kind of started going by that. By that label in 2011 and at the beginning I'll admit I was choosing it from some pretty shadowy places. You know the part of me that was unconsciously seeking validation or had a you know black hole of needing to really like. Gobble up love from every source that I possibly could was very attracted to open relating because it's like oh great, you know there's that much more love to be obtained. Um you know and and I certainly need that but you know after enough years of personal growth work and.
31:52.90
FSB
This f.
32:01.57
Blake Zealear
Reading enough of the right books and meeting enough of the right teachers I came to recognize that my soul was calling for me to express my love in these ways and my wounded personality was going about it in shadowy ways. So new paradigm relating as I define it is being a student of relationship. Being a student of love being a um yeah like listening to what love wants listening to what love wants and I mean that can sound kind of like a high minded hippie thing to say but. As an example, it's like if I'm in relationship with 1 person and we love each other and things are going well and then one of us meets somebody else and the feeling of love surfaces like genuine love surfaces between me and another person or between my partner and another person. Who am I to stand in the way of that who am I to put conditions on what love is acceptable and what love is not and so this is where I'm kind of coming back to the beginning of conditional versus unconditional love is that. My experience of again. Many of the people who choose monogamy unconsciously or choose just relating unconsciously they're choosing conditional love because that's probably what was actually modeled for them by their parents. You know I will I will love and accept you if you make enough money.
33:28.97
Blake Zealear
Will love and accept you if you can make me have enough orgasms I will love and accept you if you don't get fat. You know like there are a lot of people out there who are you know doing that to each other ink. You know while saying oh you're the love of my life. But.
33:37.49
FSB
Um.
33:41.90
FSB
11
33:47.11
Blake Zealear
You know I'm going to attack you when you do things that I don't like and so that's the conditional sort of loving that I see unconsciously existing in the world that I'm committed to shining a light on in whatever form and whatever place that it that it shows up.
34:01.00
FSB
Um, yeah, ah.
34:06.57
Blake Zealear
And so in my own life in my own life putting conditions on Love seems kind of like sacrilegious and and by conditions I Also mean like controls you know to put preset limits. Um.
34:17.69
FSB
So give an idea here What? what practically? what could this look like like your example perhaps like okay I see that there's an attraction between you and somebody else The condition is we're doing monogamy and so that's a no-go would that be something that you're talking about.
34:33.41
Blake Zealear
That's that's a good example. Yeah, and and that could apply to sexuality as well. It's like you know if sexuality is life force is the expression of our aliveness then it stands to reason for me that it makes sense that people would want to have sex with lots of people. With lots of other people like attraction is constantly is constantly happening even if you are in love with 1 You know the the beloved who you spend the most time with like you're still attracted to other people and and to act on that attraction isn't inherently a bad thing.
34:52.75
FSB
Rut.
35:03.73
FSB
Fret.
35:08.79
Blake Zealear
Conditioning that most of us grew up with would tell us that That's all that's cheating that's infidelity. That's unfaithfulness. Um, but again I think that that's just conditioning I don't think that there's any fact to support that. Um. And so there's a bit of like take the shackles off like let love flow. Let arrows flow let Sexuality flow I mean with conscious choice and deliberate Action. You know I'm not saying it's like needs to be a hedonistic tree for Allll you. We're not taking you to that extent of the spectrum. Um. But there is I think more to be gained for the world at large if we take some of the restrictions Away. We take some of the controls and conditions about who can love whom and how and why take them up. Let love Flow. Ah, rising tide will raise all ships.
36:01.64
FSB
So I hear you how on Earth does anybody consider navigating an open relationship. What do you need to have in place in order for this to even work because if you're listening to this podcast and you're like that sounds amazing.
36:04.52
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah.
36:20.20
FSB
What I'm hearing is my wife gets attracted to somebody else and blake said let's just all be free that could be a recipe for ah a very difficult crash landing for some So what's what's required to even consider this as a path of of this new paradigm relating conceptually cool I get it. Let love flow. Um.
36:31.13
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah.
36:39.23
FSB
Also want to say that I think that there's something in what you're saying which I can own for myself. I mean if I'm in a connection which our current relationships agreements are monogamy just in erotic connections between myself and mentor. But I do feel sexual energy around me all the time from beautiful women from beautiful men are um. Connected to that. How do you discern? What's worth acting on and if you decide to just to do that. What how does somebody even start to navigate that.
36:58.79
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah.
37:08.58
Blake Zealear
Um, well in 1 word communication. You know, talk ah talk talk about it I mean this is a little bit like what we were talking about at the beginning of the conversation around feminism is like being radically honest about what you feel inside.
37:13.26
FSB
Yeah, yeah.
37:26.38
Blake Zealear
Right? If what you're feeling is attraction and desire for another human being ohmen and start start there. Talk about what you're really feeling talk about how it feels to you when you imagine your beloved having an intimate connection with other people even inside a monogamous relationship still talking about these things is a beautiful thing to do.
37:26.90
FSB
Um, if.
37:46.17
Blake Zealear
You know and and see what surfaces you know, like even just a hypothetical question like hey love how would it feel to you if I said I'm attracted to this other human being and I'm thinking about having sex with them and they go oh my God that brings up.
37:46.83
FSB
Okay, ah.
38:02.50
Blake Zealear
Brings up my insecurities and it brings up abandonment and it reminds me of when my father walked out when I was a little girl. Oh great triggers. Our treasures we just found. We just found an ancient wound.
38:09.42
FSB
Um, right.
38:16.87
Blake Zealear
That is still here still alive in your body that is now being activated by this hypothetical situation. So communication is one answer to your question and and the other take that I have on it is that open relating.
38:20.92
FSB
This.
38:30.86
Blake Zealear
And monogamy can totally be this too and for the record I really want to name you and inventtor are my favorite monogamous couple because you've chosen it more consciously than any other monogamous couple I've ever met hands down but and the. The path of open relating to me has always occurred as a very spiritual path because it will inevitably bring you face to face with your deepest wounds your deepest triggers I mean think about it like from. From the moment we're born until we can start talking and and and beyond the first thing that we learn anything about as children as babies is am I love am I safe do I belong. Is somebody going to come to me when I'm in need those sorts of things that's that that's the first programming we received and that's exactly that's exactly what open relating will touch are those places inside us where we maybe didn't get.
39:27.90
FSB
Ah.
39:32.84
FSB
Aha.
39:36.42
Blake Zealear
The ideal care and attention as children and there's ways to heal that there's ways to heal those core wounds or practice addressing them with healthy healthy open communication and boundaries and trust building and you know cleaning up messes when somebody makes a mistake.
39:39.78
FSB
Ah.
39:42.98
FSB
Letter.
39:54.64
Blake Zealear
There's ah, there's work to be done for sure to answer your question like how does somebody walk this path. There's work to be done around it. But if you have a robust set of tools and and maybe a coach that can help a lot too. You know, read some read some of the book read some of the books that are out there that that have a lot of good things to say about how to do this ethically and how to do it consciously and how to do it unconditionally? Um, but yeah I won't sugarcode it. It's not.. It's not just a.
40:10.89
FSB
Um, that has.
40:27.54
Blake Zealear
Walk in the park. It is a journey. It's ah it's a path. It's a path to walk. But I think it's a noble one I don't just think it's one that is motivated by hedonism I think that variety is a legitimate core human need you know.
40:31.24
FSB
Um.
40:43.17
FSB
Have.
40:46.20
Blake Zealear
Need some variety in our lives and that that applies to the humans. We're in relationship with it applies to how we spend our time. It applies to what we do on a daily basis. The foods we so on and so forth. So it honors variety and I think the other.
41:01.65
FSB
Um, nothing no.
41:04.79
Blake Zealear
The other really powerful thing in in this is I think this is also both like a benefit and and a human need is mirroring right? like we know we know ourselves by way of the mirrors that are the people in our lives and.
41:14.86
FSB
Ah.
41:20.76
FSB
Are.
41:24.79
Blake Zealear
Certainly we can say like oh I've I've got my partner and I've got my parents and I've got my best friends and so I've got a handful of ears there but there's something about for me. Anyway, there's something about having like multiple deep bonded romantic sexual relationships.
41:40.41
FSB
I have.
41:41.85
Blake Zealear
That allows me to see myself and allows them to see themselves in a hall of mirrors all of which are being held up all of which are being held up by love. Um, that helps you triangulate things. It helps you find your shadows it helps you find your your soft spots and it also helps you to appreciate. Just.
41:46.63
FSB
Here.
42:01.38
Blake Zealear
You are and I think some of those things can be missing for in other relationship structures.
42:09.58
FSB
Yeah, the communication piece is the starting points and I want to bring 2 things in there I'll start with one of them is this idea of not being able to be let me said differently complete Trust can't exist without complete honesty. And I've noticed in relationships in the past where I haven't bought my full expression or I've been in a monogamous partnership and I feel an erotic connection to another woman and I didn't feel safe to bring it or I didn't feel brave enough to bring it and be like hey I'm with you and I noticed when I was art I felt this energetic feeling around it that. Act of not doing that automatically puts that engagement into the shadow in a way that becomes an energy leak for me and you know being in the relationship that I'm in at the moment where I'm prioritizing staying current by always articulating what's on my mind in every single moment when it's safe in the right spaces not to just continually blabber about things. But.
42:55.15
Blake Zealear
Um, we will.
43:05.73
Blake Zealear
Sure.
43:07.53
FSB
If I feel an erotic connection to somebody else to actually bring it to Aramenta I Noticed there was somebody that was in our world for a little while and I felt a huge amount of eros in my body and I wasn't going to act on it. But I noticed myself wanting to get pulled into story about fantasy about what it may look like and then I would try and block it. But. What you resist persist and it seemed to get stronger and stronger and stronger and I felt some guilt about bringing it to minter because she knows the woman Anyway, one day when it was safe and you were having a conversation I'm like hey I just want to share that this is alive for me and mentor is like Wow I get it I can see why you like a you know. Her masculine arament is masculine. Gets it. She is a babe. She's super cute. She's fine. All of those things and then she said So What should we do about it and it's almost like in that moment I was like ha all of the power that thus had created in my head was suddenly gone I'm like ah I don't actually need to do anything? Yeah, ah.
43:46.84
Blake Zealear
Are you? yeah.
44:01.27
Blake Zealear
Um.
44:03.31
FSB
And and I sort of been spilling with it for a few days and I was like um maybe I'll just leave it. But anyway I'd like it started to become a hungry ghost and I couldn't quite penetrate it until I spoke into it. Yeah and that level of authenticity was just like ah fuck you know now we have stayed very current. Um.
44:12.34
Blake Zealear
Um, you know.
44:21.74
FSB
Thank you for your reflection on how we've chosen monogamy and I just want to share for anybody else like we have currently let me say this differently the other piece that you spoke into that flows from communication I Think if somebody was going to try and explore. Anything else other than what you currently understand about relationships is clear relationship agreements. So What flows from communication is like okay, cool I'm going to go on a date but these are these are allowed and these are are not allowed. This is what ah you know the agreements are between you and your partner as a way to be able to Allow. It is not the right word like.
44:54.88
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah, totally. Ah.
44:56.25
FSB
Part of the agreement frame. Yeah, just having ah an agreement of exactly what's Ah, what's what's on the table and what's off the table in order to safely explore that connection I think the relationship agreement is not something that we get taught. So maybe you could even dial into that a little bit.
45:07.92
Blake Zealear
Um, um, gladly gladly hear it and I think before you any pair any couple starts making agreements and you really you really brought this in here. You have to be practicing Radical honesty. Like radical ruthless honesty.. There's a there's a book. Radical honesty that I recommend for older listeners. Um, but before you can really form agreements. You really have to put all your cards on the table but you have to be willing to like put all your cards on the table and to to look at your your beloved's truth in full.
45:31.34
FSB
Um.
45:43.78
Blake Zealear
And in order to from there in order to form a healthy agreement we have to we have to look at how ah like a really solid agreement is created First of all, it has to be voluntary right? right? So if like you know you say to your beloved like okay I need us in agreement.
45:54.55
FSB
And.
46:00.65
FSB
Are.
46:02.69
Blake Zealear
That you're not that you're not going to flirt with anybody else. So we're not going to flirt with other people and because I really need that and then you respond to me saying I Really need you to agree to this with like okay babe fine if that's what you need.
46:05.72
FSB
Then.
46:17.98
Blake Zealear
Then that can be then that can be our agreement. But if you didn't enter into that agreement voluntarily or you didn't enter into that agreement because you want to and you're just doing it to like appease or you know like soothe the other your partners in security. That's not an agreement.
46:24.95
FSB
Yes.
46:32.70
FSB
Yeah, rut.
46:37.61
Blake Zealear
It's not voluntary. You're doing it to respond to a fear. So that's part one is that like an agreement has to be entered into from a place of love not from fear protection protection I would put in the realm of love. But.
46:46.67
FSB
The.
46:53.35
Blake Zealear
if if 1 party feels coerced into agreeing to something because of someone else's fear or insecurity. That's not really an agreement. Um I also I also think that agreements need to be very specific such that a a third party referee.
47:01.94
FSB
Rut.
47:06.52
FSB
Okay.
47:11.58
Blake Zealear
Or like a third party observer could verify yes, that was inbounds or it was out of bounds and there's no, there's no gray area. There's nothing left to interpretation right? So of 1 of the most. Yeah yeah, one of the most common ones I hear is like well.
47:22.26
FSB
Um, yes, give an example.
47:29.10
Blake Zealear
Okay, our agreement is going to be that we're not going to bring anybody into our like romantic like we have an open relationship. We're not going to bring anybody into our romantic field who doesn't respect our partnership I mean that sounds like a beautiful agreement on paper. But what does respect mean.
47:29.28
FSB
But.
47:41.53
FSB
Okay. Brought.
47:48.98
Blake Zealear
What does respect mean to you? What does respect mean to me and what does respect mean to that third party right? So like if we if we try to form an agreement that we're only going to bring people around who respect our relationship and then that third person comes along and they do something that 1 person interprets as disrespectful.
47:52.15
FSB
PS.
48:07.87
FSB
Um, that's gray area. Um.
48:08.32
Blake Zealear
But the other one gets grayer. It's it's totally subjective and and that you can hear that in words like respect Trust um, you know priority right? The ah honor.
48:17.42
FSB
Honor. Yeah.
48:22.14
Blake Zealear
Totally you know there's ah, there's a lot of words like that that that sound really high minded and powerful like this is a powerful agreement but it's not it just it's too amorphous. It's too interpretive agreements. Also so yeah, they need to be specific such that like yeah, an observer could say.
48:31.70
FSB
Brad. Yes, so.
48:41.10
Blake Zealear
Yeah, so like a good one would be like I agree. Yeah, let's agree. We're going to leave this party by midnight and we're going to go on together right? like an observer could verify true or false did you leave by midnight and did you go home together. That's an agreement that can be.
48:49.55
FSB
Um, ah yeah, yes, Rat red.
49:00.46
Blake Zealear
They could be solid. They also need to be renegotiable and time limited right? Like if you make an agreement and then someday down the road like let's say for now you and I agree like if we're in a.
49:05.80
FSB
Cool.
49:17.22
Blake Zealear
We're in an open relationship. Okay, we're not going to have penetrative sex with anybody else. That's our agreement. Okay, we can both voluntarily agree to that for for now. But then six months down the road I'm dating somebody and suddenly my desire has clearly changed.
49:21.95
FSB
Ah.
49:34.93
Blake Zealear
Over not even suddenly over time. My desire has clearly changed and now I do want to have penetrative sex with that person. We need to sit down and re renegotiate this agreement or at least discuss renegotiating it. Um and and then type.
49:46.87
FSB
Even penetrative sex is kind of a gray area right? like it could be with your cock with your finger with your tongue lucky even that level of discussion should be in an agreement.
49:54.36
Blake Zealear
Right? right? Thank you for highlighting that and when I said it I meant like penis and vagina sex. But yes, like we need to be specific about what do we mean by penetrating if but including fingers or we including toys. You know like oh but I didn't I didn't have sex with her I Just put my idilldo in you know, like.
50:00.36
FSB
Um, right right? Yeah right? Yeah yeah, exactly yeah.
50:13.47
Blake Zealear
I see like we we get so it it gets tricky. It gets tricky and this is where like you know, having a coach or reading a book or or 6 or you know, really educating yourself on how to get into the specifics of agreement making is really useful but gareth.
50:27.11
FSB
Has.
50:32.31
Blake Zealear
And want to posit that there's there's There's actually a rung above agreements in my experience agreements and I say this with with.
50:40.59
FSB
Um.
50:47.95
Blake Zealear
Deepest of respect to any of your listeners and to my past self and to a lot of my friends and a lot of my colleagues agreements are training wheels. They are bumpers that keep us within a a comfort zone. For a long enough period of time that we can establish trust that we have each other's best interests at heart we're not going to abandon each other when something shiny and pretty comes along. We're going to hold each other's like health and safety as paramount. Like these sort of things like agreements are a way to build a foundation of so much trust that we don't need them anymore really in my current relationship with with Brianna who is you know my most central partner. The only agreement we have is transparency and everything else is based in trust everything else is like look I trust you to be discerning I trust you to make smart choices I trust you to have safer sex conversations with everybody that you're going to be sexual with. I trust you to only open your body to people who are worth your time and energy who you trust to bring into your field and if you trust if you trust somebody that much that you want to let them into your heart and into your body and who am I to object you know and so there's.
52:21.17
Blake Zealear
Above agreements is really its trust and intentions you know I intend to again move with the sernment make conscious choices. Not just not just throw my energy around at anyone or take it from anyone Because. We I Just having fun I mean there might be room for that too but still with some amount of conscious care because it's It's not like I said it's not just a hedonistic free-for all like there. There were a lot of really careful choices that have to go into everything that we do and I like.
52:46.33
FSB
Ah.
52:53.96
FSB
I have.
52:58.41
Blake Zealear
I like operating the way that we are operating right now a lot better because agreements if unless they are all those things I already named and they're like perfectly precise and they're being super. You know we're entering into them super voluntarily. Agreements in many ways they create not just like bumpers but tripwires and landmines you know and Brianna and I counsel both individually and together. We counsel a lot of people who are trying to open up or who are practicing open relating with varying degrees of success. And a lot of what we see with those people is like well I can't trust him to do this right? because he broke an agreement. Well she broke an agreement and we have an agreement and then they broke it and it's like that's always the reason why shit breaks down and they want to think. They they want to interpret that breakdown as this is why I can't trust, but really it was the agreement that created the opportunity for trust to be broken in the first place and most and even deeper than that. Reason that we can't trust or 1 and 1 individual or both individuals in the partnership can't trust has nothing to do with the person they're in relationship with it has to do with all the shit that happened way back there that made them feel unsafe untrusting and at the effect of the world.
54:24.69
FSB
And.
54:26.44
Blake Zealear
Instead of the conscious creator of their own reality which is again this is where the realm of where our triggers look. This is the the backlog that the loaded part as you put it? um that that gets activated by these things that are happening in the here and now.
54:38.65
FSB
Um, and.
54:44.89
Blake Zealear
So I'll get off my soapbox a little bit there but that's that's the yeah I think that that's really what it comes down to is you know any any like new paradigm relating to come back to the like Originally what the hell does that mean new paradigm relating is.
54:45.68
FSB
No, that's great.
55:03.35
Blake Zealear
Relating to anyone in your life choosing into relationship from a place of sovereignty from Inner Union of doing the work within to be self-respon to take care of your own emotional wounds triggers care, Etc. To have a relationship between your masculine and feminine that is solid enough that another person choosing to be with you or leave you or say yes to having sex with you or say no to having sex with you or you know anything that anyone else does doesn't have the power to knock you off your center and make you feel. Like you're not worthy. That's you paradigm relating is self-re responsible relating.
55:51.20
FSB
Yeah, you nailed it I think there's that that place and I've been guiding men as well in um, the space of wanting to move into relationship and the program I have is called from Solo to soulmates and. It really recognizes that in order to find the soulmate out there is to recognize and fall deeply in love with really the only person that's with you for your entire incarnation your soul yourself and ah to yeah and it's and you can get to that place.
56:10.22
Blake Zealear
Um, will.
56:13.98
Blake Zealear
Thank you Thank you? That's such a powerful message gareth. Yeah.
56:22.22
FSB
Yeah, and and you can until you get that you're always going to be looking for your validation outside like ah I will be worthy when my partner looks like this or fucks like this or makes me feel like this or whatever and all of those have some inherent hook that I'm okay, as long as she's there and when she's gone I need to find someone else to be me Again. And it's a very difficult place to have relationship because you're always out picturing every part of yourself without projecting the things that aren't integrated in me into my partners and so yeah, the Self-love piece is really at the base of of solid relationship.
56:55.55
Blake Zealear
Um, this is why I wear an inner marriage ring. It's from for what you're just discre is what you're just describing and until we have that that sense of Inner Union we will outsource our well-being our wholeness.
56:59.45
FSB
Um, yeah.
57:11.99
Blake Zealear
And our sense of I'm okay to whether or not we're in relationship with the right person and it looks the right way I So I bow to you brother for teaching that that's really fucking. Beautiful. Yeah.
57:15.68
FSB
Yeah.
57:21.23
FSB
Thanks. But yeah, this and that's also the reason why everyone's like you know, as soon as I stop looking for it the right? Mr right? Mrs right? The right person showed up you know because you get to that place of being like I'm fucking great with me, you know and I saw this in my own life I had started to just shift like how I was engaging with people I was being. Ah, read radical honesty and I was like oh oh I see I've been messing up in a few places. Yeah, that has been for me coming from this like world of politeness like a little bit of a british background I was Mr Naska as far as I could be and.
57:43.10
Blake Zealear
Um, so.
57:53.70
Blake Zealear
Are you.
57:58.59
FSB
Yeah I was leaking a lot of energy putting on a happy face always trying to be Nas sugar coating it not wanting to hurt people by being honest because I thought it would hurt their feelings and I realized just what bullshit that is. It's like the other person doesn't get to make a real choice because I'm saying like it's not you. It's me actually it's like I just don't love you I just want to.
58:08.22
Blake Zealear
Um, do we.
58:18.00
FSB
Be with you for intimate reasons but not being able to own that creates this weird place where that my partners never knew where they stood with me and as soon as I came into this place of being clear with my desires and articulating it and then getting to a place of really loving and accepting myself and I'm like cool I I want partnership in my life. But I don't have to look for it. My life is amazing as it is and I'm current with all of the people that I'm connecting with yeah mentor showed up and that just felt like yeah, just a strong confirmation that this was the the work that I needed to do in order for me to come to this place.
58:52.30
Blake Zealear
Congratulations on doing that hard work and look at the queen that you attracted man. It's it's Beautiful. The the integrated being that you attracted who is both a queen and a king unto herself. You know she doesn't need you any more than you need her which you so you get to enjoy. The the fruits of that shared magic I call this sovereign bonding and there's there's in my opinion. There's nothing more Attractive. There's nothing more attractive than a human being who is totally right with themselves who is madly in love at themselves who knows that they are.
59:13.27
FSB
I said.
59:27.55
Blake Zealear
Our sovereign that knows that they're whole and complete whether they're chosen or not chosen by anybody. That's it. That's it. That's as hot as you can get I don't care what you look like on man. So a cold way way. Beyond.
59:31.38
FSB
Right? Yeah and that extends beyond your body shape exactly did yeah perfectly comfortable. Yeah, and you can go ahead of all of that stuff I've seen that so many times that it's because I didn't have it. There was something that would like. Hit my energetic frequency which is like Wow that guy's not good looking but there's something about him where he just feels comfortable with himself. You know I'm like in judgment of what why is he so cool or why is she so cool even though she's not super sexy and it's that they're just comfortable with being themselves.
01:00:01.58
Blake Zealear
Um, you know.
01:00:05.92
Blake Zealear
Just at peace that the question of am I Okay am I really am I lovable that like pernicious never ending question that just haunts so many people they answered it once and they answered it once and for all and then the then the ego compete.
01:00:16.39
FSB
I have.
01:00:23.37
Blake Zealear
Quiet down and just open to the beauty of life youth.
01:00:25.81
FSB
So good. You have played an important role as a I would say a guide in the remember Journey share a little bit about what that experience is about what the the ethos and the pillars are behind this journey and what.
01:00:44.94
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah, gladly thank you for asking? Um I did a few years of men's work previously and then I found ista in 2019 and that the shift.
01:00:45.42
FSB
Why it matters.
01:01:00.62
Blake Zealear
Towards what I was describing earlier like this super like holistic approach of masculine and feminine and integration the the light the dark spirit and the body all of our parts the inner child the higher self and everything in between is a lot of what. Was really getting as an upgrade when I found iste and then no sooner had I found this than I discovered that some of my favorite Ista teachers had created a spinoff program called remember just like the word remember but as men in the middle of it said of m men you pronounce it beautifully. And the idea is that we are teaching our brothers and male bodies from the start that they matter in the current form that they're in simply by being born simply by existing. They don't have to perform they don't have to. Make money. They don't have to do anything in order to be worthy. They matter simply for existing and we are emphasizing that the greatest greatest the the feeling of an expanding life. The feeling of I am headed in the direction of my desire of my purpose. Inspired by love rather than driven by the fear or failure or something like that with so many men are comes from saying yes and loving all of our parts. It comes from integration. It comes from the acceptance of everything that we are. You know the good the bad the ugly and everything in between and.
01:02:33.21
Blake Zealear
Accepting the hand that we were dealt with our family of origin doing the work to make the peace with the the portal that we came through which is the family we were born into and the culture we were born into doing the work there to get complete with our parents and our childhood.
01:02:43.58
FSB
Okay.
01:02:48.99
Blake Zealear
The inner beloved work which you've you've heard me touch on a few different times during this conversation of I am I am both the lover and the beloved of of the self and all the parts inside and also the and also the shadow work. You know, standing standing in that hall of mirrors that.
01:03:01.10
FSB
Yep.
01:03:09.18
Blake Zealear
Brothers can provide so beautifully to help us see the parts of ourselves that we cannot see and then the shadows are simply that that which we are not aware of.. They're not bad. They're not evil and a lot of them. A lot of the time shadows aren't even dark. They're actually. I Heard you kind of touch on it in yourself a moment go about like well why is that guy So Great. You know it's like oh he just really loves himself and so we we tend to we tend to judge that if we haven't owned it for ourselves. That's that's what we call a golden shadow. So It's through these rites of passage of the shadowwork and the family of origin the inner beloved and. Exploring the sacred purpose. You know why are we here on this earth like what? what we? What were we put here to do you know for you and I like one of those expressions of sacred purpose is leading men into a greater experience of themselves and the recognition that we're all on the same spiral path that. Time is cyclical and that all of the things that we need to do in this life or need to look at in this life or are going to come back around again and and again and and each time they show Up. We have another opportunity to love Them. We have another opportunity to take them into a shamanic process. We have another opportunity to. Ask a brother for reflect reflection so that we can choose a more powerful direction to move in rather than just repeat the same old thing over and over again. So That's that's a lot of the ethos and the pillars of remember we also make it super fun.
01:04:37.97
Blake Zealear
We do our big retreat in Costa Rica every year beautiful spot and you live in central America you know all about it that's in the winter and then 3 times a year in the us we're doing a shorter format that we called a weekend to remember the next one is coming up in June actually about two and a half months I'm leaving a weekend to remember in Northern California and it's they're inexpensive, easy to access because they're right here in the states and it's on a weekend so you don't have to take a bunch of time off work to come check it out.
01:05:08.60
FSB
Awesome Sweet. We'll definitely link that up in the show notes for this. What do? What do men leave one of these retreats feeding What do they continually share like are they specific themes that men come to a men's retreat and leave. But certain things like what's the consistency of the results that that come from spending some time in your space for ah other a weekend or a whole week.
01:05:31.27
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah I mean the main thing is brotherhood. You know there's a lot of men's work out there that is really geared towards like teaching men how to be more manly and remember is not that it's It's more of a brotherhood brotherhood training than a men's training and excuse me.
01:05:45.34
FSB
Okay.
01:05:49.80
Blake Zealear
And I think that there's a ah sad. Sadly, large percentage of men in the world who don't really feel safe in bonding with other men in having friendships with other men or the friends that they do have with the friendships. They do have with other men or. Perhaps a little bit shallow or like you know, not very close or they're they're more based on shared interests rather than deep deep, honest discussion or anything that we might call intimacy and I don't even mean anything sexual intimacy is just a lot of what you and I are doing right here like getting into the real shit.
01:06:19.87
FSB
Um.
01:06:23.75
FSB
Times.
01:06:26.70
Blake Zealear
I Would think that I would say that's the main takeaway that people come away from these retreats with his brotherhood a sense that they're not alone that there are other men that they can trust and lean on and learn from and be vulnerable with who will hold them and accept them and not you know, not judge them and help them to. Not only be okay with who they are but grow into the into an even greater expression of themselves and that's really what we're offering is deep abiding longlasting safe brotherhood and I would say the other thing that a lot of people come away with is a sense of direction and it's I think that. There's a lot of men have they have desires. They have wishes. They might have a career but I think a lot of men feel kind of aimless. You know they're not sure what to do with their time or their energy or their life force. They don't know which way to like put themselves into the world and that's one of the things that we try to help and then cultivate. A sense of direction and purpose and like okay I know where I'm going I have I have my north Star. It's out there on the Horizon I don't exactly know the path to get there but I have a way to go and that's a lot of what we are offering and hoping to inspire.
01:07:43.24
FSB
So good man I yeah it hasn't lined up for me yet. But it's not far from where I live and I'm definitely going to come to the Costa Rica space at some point. Um, yeah, it's definitely in my field and yeah bro just hearing.
01:07:54.20
Blake Zealear
Gareth that would be so beautiful if you came in. Thank you.
01:07:57.30
FSB
Yeah man I want to spend time with you guys I want to I want to get a sense for the the work that you're doing I mean I feel that the ripple effect of it through the community and the the men that I know that have trained with you and yeah, it just hasn't quite lined up but I'm fuck I love costa rica I love you and Frank and the the whole team I haven't met Noah yet. But I'm I'm keen to.
01:08:14.90
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah.
01:08:15.85
FSB
Hang out in that space and just to get to know you brothers and yeah, I'm also excited to share that I'm going to be hosting the call to courage menstor treat here in Guatemala at the end of July and it's gonna be my first time holding space. And yeah, we're doing a ah yeah and and stok to do it like we've been doing the.
01:08:25.94
Blake Zealear
Um, nice yeah congratulations. Yeah.
01:08:35.22
FSB
Thanks dude yeah, it's um, yeah, it's definitely time. Um, ah yeah, I've been cutting my teeth on the the men's work and holding space in my online men circle and my in-person men's circle here. But I feel like the next space for me is to share this beautiful lake in the. The gifts that I've been gifted through our teachers to to support other men and so yeah, the call to courage retreat is almost exactly what you're talking to like Mendar are at this stage of wanting to climb their second mountain. You know like they've gone through their their first their first initiation but they're at that stage in their life where they realize that there's something else that's being called.
01:09:05.23
Blake Zealear
Um.
01:09:11.46
FSB
For them to do and so the idea here is to come to Guatemala to really slow down so a third of the retreat is going to be disconnection listening slowing down a little bit to see what's actually alive like where I'm being called to and sometimes I noticed in my own journey. When I needed to go through this dark night of the soul until I actually extracted myself from the old stories and the momentum of the location of where I lived in Johannesburg I just couldn't see the wood through the trees I didn't have the perspective to see what I needed or the the silence to really listen. So yeah, mine was my own journey that that included some travel. So.
01:09:32.80
Blake Zealear
Are.
01:09:39.33
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah.
01:09:44.65
FSB
Ah, third of it's going to be that the other half is gonna the other third is gonna be around challenge and doing the work like some yeah some physical stuff a journey with St Pedro on one of the days and then also consciously cultivating brotherhood that extends beyond the retreat for the same reasons that you said and the same reason that that I'm creating the retreat is I want.
01:09:52.77
Blake Zealear
Are you.
01:10:04.33
FSB
Network of men that I freaking love and trust so that I can I can have a space as well to have my own shadows pointed out. You know to be able to reflect on the pieces of my life that I can't see So yeah I'm jazz to be to be sharing that and yeah, thank you man.
01:10:16.72
Blake Zealear
Um, ah can congratulations man. That's so cool. Can't wait to hear how it goes you said july.
01:10:22.52
FSB
Yeah July Twenty third or twenty Eighth yeah thanks but so brother show share us a little story from your life where you've needed to.
01:10:27.39
Blake Zealear
Um, amazing, Amazing I'll be excited to hear how it went for you? yeah.
01:10:38.10
FSB
Perhaps you've hit a bottom or you've had a wobble that you've needed to access the element of courage. What was that story and what were the things that got you out of that funk in your life.
01:10:51.97
Blake Zealear
I mean brother I'm in it right now. Um, kind of 1 overarching theme that calls me to courage pretty much daily. Um I lost my father. In 2010 primarily to alcoholism and you know prior to that when I was in college I was a crystal meth addict and had to face down that challenge and.
01:11:12.93
FSB
Stuff earth.
01:11:24.58
Blake Zealear
Later in my twenty s it was a coke habit that I had to face down and then he died when I was 29 and he was 58 and 20 not twenty nine is half of 58 and what what 29 year old looks at you know their dying father and thinks like oh fuck like this is my.
01:11:31.50
FSB
Are.
01:11:43.10
Blake Zealear
This is my fate. My life is already half over if I don't do something and so since then I've had to work continuously to keep addiction at Bay to keep my relationship with substances healthy and and not just not just alcohol but like. Everything that can consume us addictively including these devices that we're constantly on this fucking thing that just constantly wants our attention. It's taken a lot of courage and it takes courage on a daily basis and sometimes I set it I fall back a little bit.
01:12:10.22
FSB
And here.
01:12:19.56
Blake Zealear
Sometimes I I really rise up and take a stand and and succeed in facing down these demons and and I say that it's really current right now. Not really for myself so much although I I did recently finally give up smoking and vaping nicotine and that's.
01:12:21.92
FSB
If.
01:12:37.91
Blake Zealear
That's been an accomplishment. So Yay But I'm really dealing with it right now with my mother she is you know she was obviously crushed not obviously not everyone is but they were my parents are still together and my mom was crushed by my father's death and the the. Years of demise that led up to his death and they kind of they lost everything and she was homeless and also an alcoholic and a grieving widow who I brought to live with me back way back then and since then we've.
01:12:59.20
FSB
So.
01:13:15.79
Blake Zealear
Set her up to live on her own but she's in a current state right now or she's succumbing to those demons again as she has many times in the last fourteen years letting the bottle take over and.
01:13:33.11
FSB
Um, never.
01:13:33.90
Blake Zealear
You know when she does that she ends up in an incredibly disempowered state and she talks about wanting to end her life not wanting to be around anymore and my brothers and I are constantly going from different states of self-protection to you know. Trying to support her or wanting to get her into a program or wanting to come in and break down the door and intervene and you know every different idea you can think of and we over the last since my father died fourteen years ago we've tried everything we can.
01:13:58.80
FSB
I have.
01:14:11.27
Blake Zealear
To try to help my mom have a healthy happy life and frankly none of it's worked and so my relationship with courage right now in the face of that whole saca is actually just acceptance. It's a lot of.
01:14:28.56
FSB
What.
01:14:30.18
Blake Zealear
Having the courage to not rescue having the courage to not get angry at her having the courage to not fight with my brothers when we have different ideas about what we should do and.
01:14:44.48
FSB
I have.
01:14:47.40
Blake Zealear
And ultimately to just practice the recognition that the bravest thing I can do is accept that there's nothing I can do. It's it.
01:14:58.90
FSB
What supports that Way. We've got practices that you like what supports that acceptance. Ah, yeah, accept maybe bumping your head a whole lot of times and realizing that it's not going to change or I mean that's obviously part of the journey like a. Sense of wanting to try and help. But then realizing you can't there comes an acceptance is there something that you can point to that's a practice that supports acceptance for you.
01:15:18.69
Blake Zealear
Emotional release like healthy emotional release and by healthy I mean like safe you know like hitting pillows or you know like stomping in place and things like that that just move move the energy without you know doing things like I did years ago that damaged my shoulder.
01:15:38.45
FSB
Um, yeah.
01:15:38.56
Blake Zealear
Um, that helps a lot that can be that can be very up-regulating. You know that can kind of bring up the intensity which serves serves for a time to like kind of just like get the get get the pressure relieved internal emotional pressure when she's you know.
01:15:46.80
FSB
Um.
01:15:56.64
Blake Zealear
Doing all the things that she does that drive us crazy. Um, but then on the more down-regulating side of things. It's meditation which I've been doing a lot of recently more and more and calling brothers like you and.
01:16:09.45
FSB
Um.
01:16:12.66
Blake Zealear
My longtime friends and Frank and Nema the guys from the remember brotherhood and just too many names to list actually I have a whole I'm very blessed actually have like 20 good men in my life that I could call at the drop of a hat and just be like bro. Can you hold me, please hold me and so.
01:16:28.95
FSB
Smooth. Ah.
01:16:32.20
Blake Zealear
Downregulating is has also been an important thing as well. You know and in the past I've downregulated with Cannabis for example in these days for alcohol in these days I'm not doing that So it's like I have to self touch.
01:16:34.66
FSB
Um, he had.
01:16:51.10
Blake Zealear
Taking a shower taking a bath going for a walk listening to really calm music again talking talking with brothers or sometimes just taking a nap like I've discovered that if I actually just lay down and closed my eyes and fall asleep for even twenty or thirty minutes that
01:16:54.87
FSB
Are.
01:17:10.62
Blake Zealear
Kind of a reset like you go to the boyid for just a bit and kind unique. Come out a little more clear So every in this The short answer is every tool in my toolkit I've had to practice them I've had to practice them all. Yeah.
01:17:14.59
FSB
Um, ah yeah, yeah.
01:17:24.57
FSB
Yeah, Ah, yeah, and I think it's also that self-awareness of recognizing a that I needed and then knowing what works for you. You know we develop our own toolkits along the way. Maybe someone listening to this has grabbed a few ideas. You know the emotional release which is. Hitting pillows or screaming into a pillow or stomping like you said is one but it's different for each of us and this is the journey is you get to know ourselves and you get to really listen to what it is that we need and develop a practice that supports us in those moments. So yeah, definitely the main circle. Definitely the brotherhood Component. That's been such a big one for me. Hence the reason why we're doing this work because yeah without that it feels like fucking carrying all that weight on your own. You know it's like you feel like the only person in the world is problem with their parents until you share it and someone else gives you something and it's like Wow, there's ah, there's shared themes that we often don't. Have to carry alone when we share them inside. Ah a sacredly held space for men.
01:18:20.10
Blake Zealear
Beautifully said and.
01:18:21.29
FSB
Bro I Love you. Thank you for the work that you're doing where can people journey with you if they want to find out more about what's the thing. There's the remember journey like what is who do you want to work with who's an ideal client for you. What would someone I heard you speak about couples maybe wanting to open relationships who's an ideal client for you and what. Why could they get hold of you.
01:18:42.45
Blake Zealear
Well there's a few questions there. So um, yeah, if the men's work interest to go to rememberjourney.com I think that we can post that in the. Comments or whatever attached to this. You can also find all this on my website which is just Blake Zeeller Dot Com which a list of all my upcoming events with the brotherhood group um remember with Ista and with liberation which is another one that I'm involved with too so those are the group experiences that are out there. That I'm appearing at and come find me at any of those and as far as like you know clients that I like to work with myself and and Brianna. Um, we work with a lot of couples both virtually like this sober Zoom and and also in person we do love hands hands-on sacred sexual work. Here in our home in Austin and absolutely love doing those kinds of programs and we can do combination thereof as well. So people who really want to go deep into into a coaching and transformational container with or without the hands-on work. You can reach out to me through my website. And I also work individually with people especially with men and this year I recently kicked off my mentorship program. So I'm I'm in the middle of my my first year of a mentorship program. It's going to be a yearlong journey so far so good I'm really I'm really a.
01:19:58.19
FSB
Ah, yeah.
01:20:07.51
Blake Zealear
Quite proud of this Actually this is something I've been dreaming about and and I had a few people few people approach me just at the right Time. It's like okay now this is the year and so it's here it exists and there's a bit of information about that on my website as well and you can reach out to me directly through my website. There's. Pretty straightforward just put your information in and I'll get a message and we'll be in touch.
01:20:30.73
FSB
Sweet. Yeah, we'll put the spelling of your website there I took a look at it before this yeah, everything you need and all the portals are there I want to give you a qedos and congratulations brother I think the last time. Well, the first time we met, you weren't fully an esther facilitator yet. And yeah, now you're busiest fact being.
01:20:45.30
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah, that's right.
01:20:50.50
FSB
Facilitating this work all over I see you again. Yeah, really running with it and it's ah yeah, it's beautiful to see you stepping up and stepping in and and sharing this powerful work.
01:20:58.31
Blake Zealear
Um, yeah, thank you go? Yeah I've been very blessed to get receive a lot of invitations from a lot of great teachers to teach all over the world I'm going to be in in Belgium this August and the southwest in may and. Dominican republic in October doing the the practitioner training with folks who are interested in doing the sacred sexual work professionally hands on themselves. So thank you? Yeah I've been I've been very blessed I love working with all seekers in 1 word.
01:21:23.76
FSB
Um.
01:21:31.91
FSB
Okay.
01:21:33.30
Blake Zealear
You know people like you and me who have really just like felt the call of that second mountain like I'm here for something bigger and deeper than just making a paycheck come and find me.
01:21:39.80
FSB
Ah.
01:21:46.43
FSB
Ah, dude I Love it. Thank you so much man I'm loving how yeah the work that we're doing is really just building Networks together. And yeah, thank you for the the beautiful message that you bring and for for everything that you stand for brother I Really appreciate you.
01:21:58.54
Blake Zealear
Um, right back at you Gareth we appreciate you very much man. Thanks for work you done? Yeah, my pleasure.
01:22:03.74
FSB
Um, thanks for being on the show bud.
