00:00.00
calltocourage
And we live welcome to the call to courage podcast I'm Gareth Pickering and super jazzed to be hanging out today with Laurie Handlers welcome to the show laurie.
00:08.31
Laurie Handlers
Thank you so much I'm so I waited for this for a long time I'm really happy to be with you Also because is the first time we're meeting like really face to face even though we've had communications. So it's so great to just be here. Yeah.
00:22.10
calltocourage
It's been a long time coming. Yeah thank you so much for doing this I Really appreciate you taking the time out of this I Know how busy you are and I think that's a function of why we haven't been able to connect yet because you move around so much and you do so much work of your own. Maybe. Give our audience a little bit of a backstory of what it is that you're working on at the moment and yeah, what gets you out of bed in the morning.
00:38.64
Laurie Handlers
Really.
00:44.19
Laurie Handlers
Yeah, oh it's 2 separate answers. What gets me out of bed in the morning are people is people like people that I can make a difference with that. It just like it.
00:52.16
calltocourage
Um, ah.
00:58.55
Laurie Handlers
To me. It's it's a big big umbrella how to make a difference with this person or this person or these people or this people in this country or whatever. So I am when I say this country I don't mean people in the United States where I'm where I'm calling from. Um.
01:08.21
calltocourage
Um.
01:15.71
Laurie Handlers
I mean people in this country or that country or wherever I happen to be. That's what gets me out of bed in the morning like just not seeing their faces when something I said or something I delivered and then they they participated in it and then their faces Shine. You know they. They like I say ok, everybody face forward now and this' and they turn around and they're like they're beaming. They just got something like huge and I don't know what it is you know I can't say for each person. What it's going to be but what I see on their faces is the shine. The light.
01:46.80
calltocourage
Ah.
01:53.77
Laurie Handlers
Bulb went on and it never goes off again after that it just doesn't go off like it's like giving them the key to their own kingdom. So that's what gets me out of bed in the morning and that's always gotten me out of bed. Um what I'm currently working on. I'm currently ah working with couples because my partner Michael Gibson and I believe that couples are an endangered species. Um, we feel that loads of emphasis has been placed on new.
02:23.21
calltocourage
Ah.
02:30.38
Laurie Handlers
Ways of relating you know new paradigms open relating and ah poly emory and I it I don't I'm I'm not going to put swinging in that category I'm just going to put like ethical non-monogammy and. That's great because I think people are doing really well in those realms a lot of people are doing really well in those realms some people are suffering in those realms. Um, but some people are doing really really well in those realms and then there's couples who who who married. And ah or who just found each other and they they and they all of a sudden find that they don't want to be ah, open. They want to focus on 1 person and the other person. Maybe they've busted the myth that you complete me.
03:22.93
calltocourage
Ah.
03:23.23
Laurie Handlers
You know that I was not completed until I met you? Ah maybe we busted that myth but the fact is that there's not a lot of support for couples to actually make it just there's no lessons. There's no nothing that says.
03:29.59
calltocourage
Ah, um.
03:39.64
Laurie Handlers
This is how to be with another human being we the of this my I have to I'll just say I have two beefs we can get into them in the podcast one is um I learned algebra I learned geometry I learned. Language art skills I learned french but I didn't learn how to relate to a human that I love anywhere anywhere so I have great intellectual skills but I don't have great relating skills. Um, making it up as I go along just like everybody else. So that's 1 thing that's one beef that I have I didn't know where in my education was that anywhere and then second where I was educated was pi rock and roll and Walt Disney and um and um. All the songs that I sang to my so to with my little girlfriends and dance to were all drama triangle relationships cartman drama triangle relationships and Walt Disney was paid by the United States government to put certain programming into. His movies and in his television programs and so I learned those things too like I learned to be Cinderella waiting for some prince and the prince never showed First of all I don't want a prince that wouldn't know how to find the other foot that I have that has a.
05:11.89
Laurie Handlers
Ah, slipper that has to be put on it I wouldn't ah and say like if he's so dumb and he can't find the the other foot with a shoe I'm not interested in him and second of all, um.
05:14.24
calltocourage
Um.
05:23.19
calltocourage
Is not the one have.
05:31.50
Laurie Handlers
Yeah, that was just really bad programming for most people that I know and most people that I know it doesn't matter where they were educated they they have seen Walt Disney they have seen. They've been influenced by the Disney Empire so um anyway so that's like 1 thing I'm working on like couple them. And the others because I happened to be in a couple and I'm getting married for the first time in my life in my seventy s and like I don't know anyone else who does that? Um, and then the other thing I'm working on is ah a new book called sex and happiness. It gets better with age.
05:49.70
calltocourage
Um.
05:56.70
calltocourage
He if? ah.
06:07.50
Laurie Handlers
And that's to bust the myths about being over 50 and losing it losing it all because a number five zero happens to you. It happens to everyone unless they don't make it that far and they don't have.
06:20.78
calltocourage
Right.
06:23.68
Laurie Handlers
They don't have to dry up and forget about life after that like there's a whole life after 50 So but.
06:30.43
calltocourage
I'm so stoked to be having this because those those 2 beefs are things that I'm coming up against as well and recognizing that in in many ways there seems to be all this research that our our human experience and how we.
06:36.78
Laurie Handlers
Ah.
06:44.59
calltocourage
Measure Happiness is directly related to the quality of the relationships that we that we create and yet nowhere in our school. Do we learn about authentic communication or how to be with other human beings. We're just left to figure that stuff out on one level. The sex conversation is another thing. It's like the reason that all of us are here and it.
07:03.10
Laurie Handlers
So.
07:04.38
calltocourage
Sex conversation inside most families and in the education system is like some biology a penis goes into a vagina and a baby comes out and that's all we're left with and then the rest of it is just figuring it out in the dark and it's so Weird. So yeah, Thank you so much for for doing that work and I feel like it's such a beautiful place to be. Why do you think Couples are a ah dying Breed. What's what's happening in our world that there's less and less monogamous couples or how do you said something about that.
07:31.88
Laurie Handlers
Yeah, well I think monogamy I think it didn't work I think it didn't I think that the dream this Walt Disney dream of finding the prince charming and the cinderella. Um I don't think I think that didn't work for most people and I think what happened because we don't have skills and there's nothing to support it. You know people get married and their community supposed to be hanging out there. Those are their support people who are supposed to hold them to account. Literally that's why that's why there's a bridal party. There's people who are supposed to hold the 2 people to account and hold them to their hearts and help them and what I just say it's crazy. But I just discovered this last week um I was in a completely different class last week I was participating in a class.
08:07.81
calltocourage
Um.
08:12.26
calltocourage
But.
08:26.55
Laurie Handlers
About ah content creation. You know, creating content from my web site and creating content from my social posts. Um, and this though I was on a seminar and a woman said she kept saying go deeper. your your client why why does your client not come to you and I put you know, well in couples. Usually it's the woman who wants to go men. Don't want to go so much and then she said go deeper why and I said well because they ah 1 wants to go and the other doesn't want to go.
09:04.91
Laurie Handlers
She's said go deeper and all of a sudden I Just it hit me like right between the eyes shame shame like if my relationship isn't working I'm ashamed I'm ashamed I'm ashamed to and my partner's ashamed and like we don't want anyone to know.
09:09.33
calltocourage
Listen.
09:14.71
calltocourage
Yes.
09:23.94
Laurie Handlers
That whole community that was supposed to hold us to account and hold us together in a coupling which makes a baby which creates a society of other humans. There's shame so we throw out the old bottle and we find another one. You know and then a younger one and a cuter one a more a more docile one I don't know um and so I've just feel like couple dumb isn't working because there's nothing to support it. Nothing. And there's all those just those dreams those dreamy songs or those hollywood movies that we you know like the things that were said in rock and roll like Prince said I would die for you? No I wouldn't die for you I don't want to that's not what I want to do when I love you. And when you love me I don't want you to die for me I don't want to die for you I wouldn't be watching you every little step you take or make that sting said I wouldn't do that and that's all that's all and then you know if I go back at older rock and roll. You know, like songs that I grew up with.
10:25.47
calltocourage
That's weird.
10:34.82
Laurie Handlers
You know you made me brand new. You made me this. You know you didn't do any of that. What's real is that I'm a real human trying to relate to another real human and they're bound to be conflicts and and the reason we're together may not even be.
10:43.29
calltocourage
Oh.
10:54.36
Laurie Handlers
Like if we if we're together because of chemistry that isn't going to last that long humor is going to last longer and really good communication skills and being able to resolve conflict and having the same values. That's what's going to last. We may spark sometimes and the spark may die and then we may spark again and the spark may die. The chemistry is not the thing that keeps people together. It's really their values and and then and then and having boundaries and trust so blah blah blah on and on. But that's why. I think most people don't make it because they see something pretty or something good looking or and then they own they see. There's money potential and future potential and you know like women and men of different motivations. But I think those things don't last because. They don't have they didn't come together for the for the right reasons in the first place and they didn't check it out with each other and they didn't have anything to help them support it and then shame well um, first there's ah. Resentment sets in when when expectations aren't met then there's resistance like now I'm going to resist you because I I'm I resent you so much and then I'm going to get revenge and then it's over you know, just it's over.
12:11.53
calltocourage
And.
12:21.29
calltocourage
Yeah, yeah, there's also been nothing in our in this generation a sense of like or said differently the generations prior to when I was born. There was the sense of like wanting to make things work and fixing them if they were broken. And we live in a world where it's like more consumer and we've got lost a lot more options and if something breaks we simply throw it away and buy a new one like my parents would buy a loun suite and be like this is our launge suite forever and our dining room table forever. You know they would make a decision like that and I think they valued relationships in the same way. It's like this is the thing that I'm doing. For the long-term and I'm going to stick with it and just like I recover the lounge suite I give my relationship another turn and I think in a world with tinder and consumer capitalism continually throwing things out. We've adapted the same sort of thinking around relationships which is like oh this is too much hassle like and the spark's gone. So I'll just I can throw it away and start again with something else. But I think that's that's short-lived because it like you said the spark isn't necessarily always going to be there. You can never go deep with somebody if you don't continually you know keep working on that on that journey with them and so yeah I resonate with with what you're saying there I want to ask you. Those that might not even hear this because I don't think a few years ago I would have resonated it with it. You complete me? what's what's wrong with that.
13:42.17
Laurie Handlers
But well I was educated to feel that I was half a person you know that I As an alone girl because it was when I was a girl I was educated into this as a girl. I wasn't anything unless I had the other half I would find my love of my life and the love of my life would be my other half and then I would be complete and boys were educated like that too. Although at the boys had more privilege.
14:10.29
calltocourage
Um, yep.
14:17.66
Laurie Handlers
In those days so boys needed to find a career and then they could find their their other half but they would call I mean people in my generation introduced themselves as this is my better half. This is my other half and I'm like ah no your whole.
14:28.79
calltocourage
Right.
14:35.11
calltocourage
And.
14:37.65
Laurie Handlers
And they're whole and they and 2 whole humans come together to to love and appreciate each other and build a life together and and really it's true like statistics on what you said on aging and on. Happiness and on people who live the longest people who have the most longevity there are people who have interconnected relationships. They have relationship with with someone that they really love and they have a relationship with a community. And they have a relationship with they might have relationship with god I'm not that interested in that one. That's just me personally some people are really interested in that one. Um, but they have ah they have hope they have something they have hope and faith in something. And if they don't have that and if it keeps failing over and over again. They feel ashamed and shame wins I mean like disgust and shame win like all the self-doubt things it I used to think it took 10 good things. To I don't know I had the very simplistic in early in my psychology life I had a very simplistic framework for negative thoughts negative self-talk and positive self-talk and I thought it would take 10 positive self-talk things or self.
16:05.52
Laurie Handlers
Pleasure or self ah awareness rituals to erase one negative and it's I now know it's something like thousands. It takes thousands because negative programming is so because of the reptilian brain and ah the fear you know the fight or flight fear of danger.
16:14.90
calltocourage
Um, wow.
16:24.71
Laurie Handlers
And being burned on a fire. You know like putting your hand in the on the flame or whatever it takes up maybe a thousand I didn't get burned this time I didn't get burn this time I didn't get burn this time to yeah to erase one up.
16:36.48
calltocourage
To reprogram that part. Yeah.
16:42.16
Laurie Handlers
I Put my hand on a flame and I got burned or I put my hand in the socket and I got a shock. Yeah, it takes loads. It takes loads much more than I in my simplistic way of thinking and back in those days that would take to reprogram something. And I don't know that it gets reprogrammed it just gets displaced. You know it gets displaced. Someone really has to has to go to town on that like dig it out of the shadows and go like where do I doubt myself. Where do I think I'm not worth shit and that's I have to just work I have to just go to town on that I got to transform that.
17:26.24
calltocourage
So how do you How do you coach people that look at their past relationships as failures someone who's like divorced for the second time or feels like they've continually failed in their ability to manifest and maintain partnership. Because that's what you're talking about right? There's a sense of shame that comes with that part that's like fuck I can't do it. What is how do you support people through that.
17:44.75
Laurie Handlers
Yeah, Well I think the shame is what prevents them from getting Help. So I just need I Just need to say that to you like um once they're with me. I got plenty to say and do and plenty of things to share with them. It's getting them to those. It's getting them to the sign up page. Yeah exactly I think it's harder I think it's really.
18:09.92
calltocourage
To put to recognize that they want to be guided on it.
18:19.78
Laurie Handlers
And I'll give you an example like you're working with men now like I just because you said this I'm I'm targeting you? Um, when I first met Michael he was doing something called just ad skill from it. Well what happened was the first time we ever made. Love.
18:24.60
calltocourage
Go.
18:39.76
Laurie Handlers
I was like blown away I was like I was speechless. It's ok for me to curse on you. You know to use skeptical language. Ok I I said to first of all I said to you fuck me like you meant it and he said I did mean it.
18:45.55
calltocourage
I would encourage it. No I don't go.
18:53.96
calltocourage
Yes.
18:59.78
Laurie Handlers
And I said wait where did you learn how to touch a woman and he said I googled it. Um I said what and he said I he said I can't I I was married for 16 years. He said.
19:06.83
calltocourage
Wow.
19:19.10
Laurie Handlers
Then I learned pickup. He said so I used to be able to get women home to my apartment. But once they got there I didn't know what to do with them and a few of them just like put their clothes on said. Thanks, that's okay, they left but he said so I didn't know how I was ever going to get sex again. And so he said so I googled everything I could find on touch and I was I said wait you have to understand like I've been in the Tata wool for over twenty years I have never had another human. Touch me the way you just touch me I'm blown away like I'm I this can't be and he said no he said I put it I love you know I studied this and that's how I know how to touch you. And I went like there's amazing. You have to teach a course for men like that's a fit that's like the first thing out of the gate after we just made love I'm like you you to take took course from men. Ah because. If every woman I know is getting touched the way I was getting touched. She's not happy and she's not saying so Michael did this he did a study he interviewed 300 people and he said and he asked them on 1 to 10 scale.
20:39.90
Laurie Handlers
How many what percent of all their sexual experiences. Love making experiences sexual and lovemaking because it's different were a number 10 what? how? what percentage was at 10 and men the random men said 30% and the random women said 2% 2 that means they're not satisfied. They're not happy with how they're being touched. They're not being rocked. Their world isn't being rocked and they're not telling because there's no space to this is the whole communication piece. There's no space to tell.
21:00.77
calltocourage
2% wow
21:14.33
calltocourage
And.
21:18.45
Laurie Handlers
So I said to Michael you have to teach a course called something for men so he started to call the course just ad skill and then we tried to enroll all these men in the course just add skill and every man we knew said no I got this.
21:25.67
calltocourage
Okay.
21:32.90
calltocourage
Fuck it.
21:36.14
Laurie Handlers
Ah, so what do you do with that like so many men or women I would know would say to the men that they were with you got to come to this class that Michael has he's giving hands on basic skills touch skills read a body skills. And they would go no, that's all right I'm I'm good in that department I'm good in that department. That's what men say and I know for fact, men don't know they don't they never talked with each other about it. They don't talk to anyone they read penthouse forum I mean literally the men I know red penthouse. And they got some you know skills or they saw porn and porn is not the same set porn as entertainment. It is not education. So anyway, so it was an uphill struggle. We couldn't get too many men into that course we're not doing it.
22:20.52
calltocourage
I have.
22:28.39
calltocourage
And how is that going now I mean is there a more of an awakening. Oh really.
22:34.54
Laurie Handlers
No now we're teaching it. We now we teach a couples course called extraordinary lovers and that and that course he teaches those skills and then men are like well why don't you teach the same skills for men and and so I do do a thing of of touching a men touching men.
22:38.76
calltocourage
Yes.
22:53.38
Laurie Handlers
But it's not the same because it's because maybe it is the same I don't know maybe men I don't think men have the same need or requirement I think that I think the gender I'm talking to I am talking to binary people.
23:11.91
calltocourage
But yeah.
23:12.10
Laurie Handlers
Right now. Not talking to nonbinary people I'm talking to mostly binary people. Um, and I'm making that caveat because this is not prejudice against non-binary people. This is just to say when women and men are relating to each other I think their expectations are different. I think what they need is different. For example, here's a cosmic joke um men can be excited and want to be touched directly on their penis within the first five minutes of sight and contact of a of a. A person of a target of somebody. They want to be with women take almost. They take 20 to 40 minutes to actually turn on so that's a cosmic joke. That's like how who took who knew that.
23:53.56
calltocourage
Um.
23:59.50
calltocourage
Has.
24:08.61
Laurie Handlers
Who would ever figure that out from the back seat of a car. Do you know what? I mean like so so I think that it's I think that that that people need you know to mean people need to talk about that people need.
24:09.38
calltocourage
Um, yeah, exactly yeah.
24:20.30
calltocourage
I love the back seat the car. Yeah, like there's no 40 minutes there no chance. Yeah.
24:26.45
Laurie Handlers
But so this is what I mean this is something people need to actually like someone like me needs to say it and make everyone laugh at it and then we have to have a conversation about what that means to each other honey when you approach me.
24:40.21
calltocourage
Rat.
24:45.29
Laurie Handlers
I Need that da da da da da da and honey when you approach me? Oh I'd like to get I'd like you to give me head more great I'd love to do that and I'd love for you to touch me more slowly and I'd love for you to and know there's no space for that. There's an I don't know any. I Don't know anywhere. Okay, maybe it want maybe an an orgasmic meditation. There became a place where everything got slowed down. But even I you know I don't know too many places where anyone's having this conversation that you and I are having and I see it all as laughable. And Sad. You know it's sad if I really you know, look at it. Oh My God I want to die over this I don't but but it's laughable because no one told us that and and if you know if there was a creator. It's a Cosmic joke. It's Ridiculous. We don't know this about each other. No one knows this but I know how to divide and subtract you know.
25:48.39
calltocourage
So Let's let's use this as it as an opportunity to give somebody who's listening to this something that they can genuinely use like someone who's in relationship at the moment or teeing up a potential intimate Opportunity. What could a. Ah, Framework for communication look like that could support what it is that you're talking about now.
26:07.75
Laurie Handlers
People could we call it. We make a bubble and ah, you probably know the bubble because I know your partner knows the bubble I I never do yeah.
26:16.27
calltocourage
She's actually shared your bubble conversation and we use it as well. So I'd love you to share that more.
26:19.59
Laurie Handlers
I never do an is the training without teaching the bubble I never do any training without teaching the bubble and it's not even mine. It comes from Margo Anand like a a famous tanta teacher. But when it was passed on to me I made use of it in my life. So the first time I was with Michael I said. We're going to have a conversation inside of a ritualistic space and he was like what and I said we're going to make a bubble and he said to me oh what I said we're gonna make a bubble and just humor me. We're gonna make a bubble. We made a bubble. And I said and now before we make love. We're going to do desires fears and boundaries which I'm sure you know that too and we're going to have this conversation inside of this bubble inside of a sacred space I'm going to tell you my desires and you're going to tell me your desires and we're going to actually risk. Saying things that we're afraid to say and then we're gonna say the fears that we have about it and then we're gonna say if we have any boundaries and and and I had to say to him know that boundaries could change the boundaries are just for this. Session just for tonight just for now and he said to me. Okay, he was like oh we can have that and we had that and now we have that every single time every time.
27:36.85
calltocourage
F.
27:52.57
Laurie Handlers
Every time because I'm not the same person I was seven and a half years ago and he's not the same person. He was seven and a half years ago and each time we make love or want to be intimate. We're not the same person that we met so we have to have that conversation on a continual basis. Just because I liked something last week doesn't mean I want to do that right now and I'm not on any cycles anymore. I mean I'm I'm in my seventy s but women who are on their cycles. Their bodies are different at different day every day of the month exactly
28:25.19
calltocourage
Every minute of the day right.
28:30.47
Laurie Handlers
So So to have this conversation and to be Allowed. It's like ah this this bubble and this conversation gives permission for people to say the unsayable like I was never allowed to say in my life. What I wanted sexually because if I said that I wanted something sexually it alluded to the fact that I was a slut that I had more experience than possibly the guy and that he right away would think something of me if I had a need a sexual need or ah or a want or a desire. So.
29:04.47
calltocourage
Um.
29:07.70
Laurie Handlers
This ritual takes away the stigma of of being ashamed or slutty about anything in the pet. 2 people can say so on that so in that first bubble I said to Michael I want somebody near home. Have other levers in the world but I want somebody near home who I can come home to and count on and you live very close to me and if it turned out that that was you like that. It could be a miracle. It could be wonderful I I don't even I didn't even know that was going to come out of my mouth. And he looked at me when it was his turn and he said I want what you said and my heart almost jumped out of my body like I was like what he said that back to me and that started a values conversation.
29:57.92
calltocourage
Ah.
30:03.57
Laurie Handlers
You know, which led to here we still are like his years.
30:06.12
calltocourage
I love this I love this framework so much because it does so many things that first of all for me, it creates a space of safety you know like where we know where the boundaries are we know what? what doesn't feel like a yes for us and those boundaries could be very specific like I you know I need a. Ah, want you to use protection or I don't want you to touch me here or whatever those things on it creates a really safe space for for both partners to be there for me as a man having this conversation and I wish I had had lent the shit in school just like we opened this podcast with.
30:37.48
Laurie Handlers
Yes.
30:40.87
calltocourage
It takes us out of our head and there's no guesswork about what to do. It's not like you know, does this person want penetration because most of my intimate connections up until I learned about this stuff was like there's a sense that something's on here we can feel the energy moving between us and then we get into the bedroom and then it's like. Okay, she's taking her clothes off and then we're just sort of winging it and I'm sort of going by feel but most of it is like fucking guesswork and it's so it's immature in a way because there's no adult dialogue about what's unfolding in front of us if we were about to start a business or even go for dinner. We would have a conversation about it. We were about to make love and most of us are just.
31:02.20
Laurie Handlers
Ah.
31:17.88
calltocourage
Guessing our way through this and then you know as a man you stuck in your head and it's like you know does she want this and um, you know so just having this conversation creates so much space for safety but also just brings you back into a place of like okay I know where we are with this and we've spoken about it and I feel it's such ah such an important skill to learn I'm interested that you.
31:33.62
Laurie Handlers
Yeah, yeah, every every and if we forget I'm just I can only do this for people who will see this if people listen to this only audio they won't see it. But if we forget.
31:37.19
calltocourage
You say you do this before every lovemaking session even in a long-term partnership. Wow.
31:52.25
Laurie Handlers
And we're like and it's on. We just do it really quick. Just yeah, we make the motions but most of the time we have the conversation and we also use the same bow and and we added things like what you added we added.
31:52.91
calltocourage
Um, okay, you like make the bubble while you're already in progress. Yes.
32:10.61
Laurie Handlers
Sexual health histories stuff like that at least the first time we added all the protection things as well. Which is a bigger ah a bit of a bigger conversation. Um, we also make the bubble when we need to have clearing conversations. You know like.
32:12.48
calltocourage
Rat.
32:26.90
calltocourage
So like something's out between you.
32:30.80
Laurie Handlers
Something's wrong here. This is this is what's Up. We We need to talk and and and we have rules about it. So That's something that we teach in extraordinary Lovers. We teach people a framework for saying the hardest things to each other the things they've been Resenting. We have people dig up all the resentments and staff and we say and we get them Out. We said so now I don't know if you you I'm sure you're familiar with radical honesty. You know with the concept of radical honesty and and I I mean I know.
32:58.71
calltocourage
We were gonna go there for sure I'm gonna or not pick that apart. Go there right now if you be let's.
33:06.23
Laurie Handlers
Well I know Brad I mean Brad was my therapist at one point. So um, I'm definitely a fan of radical honesty however, um my experience in that community was people would just say the thing like with no warning you know.
33:21.20
calltocourage
Rut.
33:21.72
Laurie Handlers
And this and this and this and this and I'm being honest about this and this this and this what so I'm not a yeah I'm not a critic of the actual telling the truth I'm just ah I'd like to put a.
33:25.31
calltocourage
No, there needs to be a space.
33:38.69
Laurie Handlers
Frame around it and say ah I'm going to. We're going to tell the truth now but we're going to have a format so that we don't kill each other with so much stuff that's been harboring for so long that the person that's hearing it can't even like they can't pick themselves up now off the floor. So there has to be a framework for how much who can say how long they have can the other person say yeah but back? No so we have Michael and I have whole frameworks that we teach couples. In which to have these conversations where no one is dead. You know the end of the conversation like they're actually there they return to love.
34:20.60
calltocourage
Yeah, let's do one of those now. Let's assume that there's something out that's doing a bridge version I realize that this is layered but like let's say. For example, there's summing out between you and me and you want to have a conversation that includes radical honesty.
34:34.27
Laurie Handlers
Ah, her.
34:37.27
calltocourage
How do you frame it in a way that you can really bring what's alive even if it feels like it's long harbobid resentment in a way that somebody can use this in their partnership now.
34:46.92
Laurie Handlers
Ah, okay so I would say to you Garrett I have something to cough up. Do you have about 30 minutes
34:52.64
calltocourage
Um, yeah, sure, let's go home key to what you have.
34:56.17
Laurie Handlers
Okay, great and then I would say I you know whatever it is I noticed that the other day you left the lights on the doors open and the keys there were keys on a table outside and I. Like I don't feel safe when that happens and I know that you're big on Safety. So I feel like I'm precious cargo and I don't I don't want I don't what I want is for those things to be all handled by you if you are the one who who's left it.
35:19.10
calltocourage
A half.
35:33.76
Laurie Handlers
Left it had can you can you so have a I might say I have a boundary about it like I'm putting up a boundary like I don't you know that I I want this or that and then I then I'm quiet and then you say back.
35:35.55
calltocourage
Um.
35:49.38
calltocourage
Yeah I was in a big rush to get out of here and I thought you were coming home later so I just left the keys outside there and yeah I didn't even realize you were triggered about this. So yeah I appreciate that What is the actual boundary. What is it that you need.
36:05.14
Laurie Handlers
I Need to know that you consider safety first my safety and your safety the safety of our property and so my boundary is ah yeah I I want. The key certainly I want the keys not never to be there. My boundary is the keys are never outside and then um, the lights and the things unlocked. Yeah I I'd rather.
36:23.70
calltocourage
Rat Rats go Yeah yeah.
36:38.54
Laurie Handlers
Maybe we could come to a solution that would leave. We'd know where we could leave things but they wouldn't be obvious we need so we need a new solution. Can we can we work on that. Yeah.
36:48.53
calltocourage
Rat yeah I love it. I think I think it's such an important piece and actually I have taken I think it's your work. Um. To even frame this conversation like first of all the check-in like you did have I got 30 minutes to talk about this thing but even before I get there I'm saying hey these are my fears and desires for this conversation. My desire is to share that I want to keep our relationship solid and what I want to share with you is hopefully going to deepen it. My fear is that. You know you might be triggered by what it is that I share with you so that those are almost said as a as a framework in which to even have this difficult conversation using fears the same fears and desires as well. Yeah.
37:26.00
Laurie Handlers
Yes, yes, exactly we do that as well. We do that as well. So yeah, so we teach people how to do it and we say and and ah you can only have one.
37:38.73
calltocourage
Um, meaning.
37:39.80
Laurie Handlers
You can't you can't then say to me in that same conversation. Yes, but what about the time that you dot da da da and and you also can't and also I can't bring in more and more and more I can't try to. Yeah.
37:44.94
calltocourage
Ah, but yes, that's good.
37:50.67
calltocourage
Okay, 1 container 1 theme.
37:56.12
Laurie Handlers
Right? I can't try to kill you with it and overwhelm you with it. You know, um I can I can I can give you a real one that you know recently happened I had some eye surgeries during the ah whole pandemic thing and my eyes are really sensitive now and I'm like really protective of them and.
37:57.95
calltocourage
Thus.
38:16.17
Laurie Handlers
Michael's fooling around one night I I had a sleep mask and he threw the sleep mask and it grazed my eye and I'm a New York girl you know what? I mean I turned around and I went if you fucking touch my eyes I'll kill you.
38:24.39
calltocourage
Um.
38:30.73
calltocourage
Ah.
38:34.50
Laurie Handlers
I Mean that just like that was like I don't know where that came from that just came from the streets. You know what? I mean that came from like and he had to have a whole conversation with me about never say you'll kill me again that really scared me please never ever.
38:40.66
calltocourage
Um.
38:52.61
Laurie Handlers
Say that to me again I was like you're kidding right? I mean that was like such a New York thing to say what I didn't really mean you know and he said never say that to me again. Never and I went ok I commit for it was hard like I thought wow if he ever threw keys at me or.
39:00.41
calltocourage
I have.
39:11.49
Laurie Handlers
You know something like I I'd be like that would be my first thing it was hard for me to commit to that. But I committed I committed that I would never say I'll kill you again. Yeah.
39:23.47
calltocourage
So good. How do you? How do you support people that don't know what they want fears and desires is a great idea. But you know I've worked with quite a few people who don't know. Actually what it is that they want what? ah.
39:35.81
Laurie Handlers
Well they have to start with what so they have to start most people know what they don't want so you start with what they don't want but we I Also let them know that if you're only focused on what you don't want. That's what you're going to get more of.
39:37.50
calltocourage
How do you support people who'd not sure what they desire.
39:43.94
calltocourage
Um, ah.
39:52.17
calltocourage
Yes.
39:54.69
Laurie Handlers
You know the universe has everything everything This everything's an abundant universe that has everything for everybody really it does and if you only focus if I only focus on what I don't want. That's I'm That's my brain only sees it.
40:09.47
calltocourage
Threat.
40:11.48
Laurie Handlers
And that's that's more of it more of it more of it. But if I focus on what I do want then I'm going to get there I'm going to get much closer to it. Ah so but ah, but most people have to start with what they don't want because they they're familiar with it. They know what it is.
40:27.66
Laurie Handlers
When I ask people to write intentions I mean it's hard for them. They they can't It's like they can't almost write it without putting the negative in there without putting the don't want in there or the or they're healing from something. No I don't want to know that you're here if you were healed What would it be.
40:35.21
calltocourage
Right? yes.
40:45.74
Laurie Handlers
If it was complete if the process was complete. What would be there. So yeah, it's important. It's really important that people be clear um about what they want and to and to know that focusing on what they don't want just gets more of it.
40:45.82
calltocourage
Um, guess.
41:02.35
Laurie Handlers
And if I can't be clear with my partner and say I want this I want to have it like I want to have a place where we put those keys if they're outside. There's a hiding space. There's somewhere I want this rather than that.
41:15.17
calltocourage
Um.
41:19.81
Laurie Handlers
But if I only focus on I don't want that I don't want that I don't want that don't do it. Don't do it but you don't know you. There's nowhere to go from that is.
41:25.65
calltocourage
Right? Yeah you you touched on something that came up in a recent coaching call for me with a brother who was talking About. He's in a new connection and there was part of him that didn't want to bring some of his. Past relationship stuff into this relationship his new partnership and when his partner shared very honestly where she had been in her past relating it brought up some stuff for him and it touches on the point of radical honesty and I want you to share what you think about. Is there a place for radical honesty in a relationship is it essential. What are what are your thoughts on radical honesty and connection.
42:06.50
Laurie Handlers
Um I think radical honesty is really important and I wouldn't say it all in the in the beginning I don't think it's I think it's um, how do I want to say this. It's good question i. Want to know everything if you're my potential new partner I want to know everything about you but I don't want to know it all in the first five minutes so I want to so I want to know about values I want to know about.
42:29.92
calltocourage
Rut.
42:37.97
Laurie Handlers
Things I want to know I want to know where you've invested in yourself I Want to know where you see your your future I Want to know you know if I want to have kids I want to know if you want to have kids if I don't want to have kids I want to make sure that's okay with you. You know those things but your whole past relationships. In due time in due time if I want to know that? Yes, yes, this happened and this happened and I was stupid and I allowed this person to take advantage of me and I was.
42:57.83
calltocourage
But eventually if this is the long-term partner. We want to get all of this out eventually right.
43:12.20
Laurie Handlers
And I did this I acted on that one of the things I Love the most about my partner is how honesty is unabashedly honest, he'll just say yeah I'm really attracted to her. Yeah no I I you know, whatever and ah, he'll just say it and I'll just be like ah.
43:20.95
calltocourage
Um.
43:30.66
Laurie Handlers
So refreshing. but but yeah, yeah directness and honesty. Yeah, but Brad I will I'll just say I mean Brad would have just said brad used to say when you made someone tell them every person you slept with.
43:33.21
calltocourage
Um, yeah I've noticed.
43:49.30
Laurie Handlers
You know by the second date but I did that once a guy's eyes started rolling. Ah ah you did what.
43:52.12
calltocourage
I'm not sure about that. Yeah.
44:00.65
calltocourage
So.
44:08.10
Laurie Handlers
Ah.
44:08.60
calltocourage
There's something in the in the honesty for me that I think was perhaps in my past dressed up as like caretaking the other person like I thought that perhaps if I was completely honest with my partner about maybe my desires or perhaps what it was that I didn't want. It was somehow better for them and I realized that that was in many ways quite unkind like ah it was a part of me that was hoping that I either wouldn't close a potential opportunity to connect with somebody because I had maybe offended them or I was going to hurt their feelings if I didn't say exactly what it was that they wanted and I've noticed that.
44:40.29
Laurie Handlers
Oh.
44:43.70
calltocourage
Level of clarity that I bring to connections since making the decision to be completely honest has really been.. It's the kindness like clarity is Kindness. You can really give somebody everything and now they have all the information to make the decision about whether this is something that they want to continue with or whatever the situation is but. Withholding any information or not being completely honest I think creates a big mess in some connections. Ah.
45:09.10
Laurie Handlers
Yeah I I think so too I just feel like you know knowledge is has gives you choice you know I just need to say something to you I don't see any. Um.
45:14.36
calltocourage
This is.
45:24.50
calltocourage
But it's good. What's happening on my side I can see you and I can hear you So yep, Okay, we didn't capture it now. It's good I've got you loud and clear. Yeah.
45:25.48
Laurie Handlers
Audio things going? Yeah Okay, okay, great I Just I I was concerned before we go any further and then you go Damn this was such a good one and we did. Ah.
45:39.91
Laurie Handlers
Ah, oh my God ah.
45:43.44
calltocourage
Yeah I got a question for you. How do how do men show up for a partner that's going through Menopause What is is there anything there that can really support men.
45:52.54
Laurie Handlers
Um, oh my god yeah hang on a second. Um menopause that's a whole nother set of things that's ball of wax. That's amazing. Um, so when I was going through menopause I had a partner who was younger than me I always have partners who are younger than me so I had a partner who was 17 years younger than me then and he was living in my big house in Washington Dc and ah.
46:26.54
Laurie Handlers
And there was another woman who worked for us and she lived in the house too and we were both around the same age give or take and we were both going through night sweats and mood swings and all these things and I had to sleep Sometimes it was snowing out and I had to put the air conditioner on.
46:44.40
calltocourage
Um, well.
46:46.60
Laurie Handlers
Like I was sweating sweating sweating and then all of a sudden after sweating I'd be freezing freezing freezing and um, but it's like eating ice cream and you know you have one of those brain things that could happen your brain freezes when you eat like when you drink good ice.
46:52.21
calltocourage
Ah.
47:02.93
calltocourage
Um, yeah, right.
47:04.15
Laurie Handlers
Cream shake. It's too cold. So um, so that was what life was like then and he would always say to people don't talk to me about your problems I'm living with 2 menopausal women and I always remember this too I were I I worked.
47:16.25
calltocourage
Yeah.
47:23.18
Laurie Handlers
This is right around the time that I was leaving corporate life and I was going into tantra. That's right because I found tantra when I was 50 I started my first class I think I was 46 and I started teaching when I was 50 So so I was already there. And I remember when I was when I had a colleague in corporate and she had a cup you know a coffee mug and it said I'm out of Estrogen and I have a gun. Ah.
47:54.83
calltocourage
Um.
47:56.77
calltocourage
Oh.
47:58.91
Laurie Handlers
Um, and yeah, it's kind of like that. So for a partner for someone relating to someone going through Menopause Um I feel like they have to have loads of patients and um. They also need to ask questions and see how see if there's any way that they can be helpful I don't I mean I don't know if there's really anything to do but I think being patient is really. Important and I also men also go through something called andropause and they don't know they're going through it because they never had blood to stop and go you know they didn't have the physical symptoms but they also go through something and um.
48:36.29
calltocourage
Yeah.
48:45.36
calltocourage
Nothing.
48:49.80
Laurie Handlers
At around 50 and I think it's ah also Moody and dark and so it's like ok, let's be prepared for it. It's going to be moody and dark and crazy crazier than than P M s crazier than anything. And it's um and it's like ok just how can I support you? what? what needs to happen here. I I Know for example, like I don't own like there's plenty of things that happened since Menopause like I don't own a turtleneck I don't own anything. That I can't get out of really quickly or that comes up to here like I Just don't I can't own anything like that almost everything I have has buttons or Zippers because I couldn't I just couldn't I wanted to like rip my skin off. I Remember I remember calling my mother and saying ah when you were going through Menopause did if you had a gun did you feel like you would kill somebody and she said no I don't know what you're talking about like called my father and that pop but mom was going through Menopause Did you feel like if she had a gun she would have killed you or somebody and he goes Oh yeah, but.
50:05.42
calltocourage
Ah.
50:05.52
Laurie Handlers
Ah I make a joke out of that now. But I mean at the time that I asked her I really felt like I like I could kill I felt like I just didn't know what was surging through me. It was crazy.
50:19.38
calltocourage
Um, and and.
50:20.86
Laurie Handlers
I didn't fly on airplanes for a few years because I was afraid I was going to have to jump off yeah like just like oh and like sweating and pounding and you know I know a woman who left a car in the middle of a traffic jam.
50:25.29
calltocourage
Like Claustrophobia or something.
50:38.71
Laurie Handlers
She just like got out. Ah, it's probably 1 of the craziest times and I don't know you know I take hormone replacement therapy now. Um.
50:39.57
calltocourage
Just too much Wow. Ah.
50:55.18
Laurie Handlers
And I they didn't have this. They didn't have bio identical AhHRT when I was going through it or probably I would have done it earlier I didn't start taking this till I was sixty so I I was already. Yeah, oh yeah I sleep grade I just I'm very.
51:02.87
calltocourage
Okay, okay, and have you noticed the difference.
51:14.38
Laurie Handlers
It takes a lot to moot make me moody a lot I'm like very even keeled I'm like I'm pretty much I'm pretty nonchalant and I don't think I was like that then.
51:15.91
calltocourage
Okay.
51:28.60
calltocourage
So what's the other side of this What? what? Ah what a woman on the other side of Menop pause like what can we look forward to having sat with his patience and that's it. Yeah.
51:33.44
Laurie Handlers
Oh My God Great Sex. No pregnancies. No you know, like no after I was 50 I stopped worrying about so many things. You know I do Issta over 50 now I don't know you you must know that I do that and I like where people it First of all, there's no perfect bodies. Everybody looks a little bit lumpy lopsided with a couple of crinkles and so so no, it's like different.
51:54.86
calltocourage
Yes I did.
52:04.48
calltocourage
Right.
52:10.76
Laurie Handlers
When I turned 50 I didn't care what anyone thought of me anymore I didn't worry about what I was saying I didn't worry about what they would think whoever they were I didn't care if they didn't like me love me appreciate me and so they'd like me love me appreciate me more because I'm more authentic.
52:12.42
calltocourage
I have.
52:29.59
Laurie Handlers
Um, I just stopped worrying about these things and so and and sex was so much better. It was like I really I brought like real heart to sex like yeah I want to be ravished.
52:44.79
calltocourage
And.
52:46.59
Laurie Handlers
This is what I want I'm not afraid of you thinking that I'm a slut I don't care anymore if you think that you know so I can so I can be and I don't I don't care about. Yeah I It just there's a freedom.
52:51.12
calltocourage
Less fucks given.
53:04.69
Laurie Handlers
In it. There's a real freedom in not being impregnable and also in the life lived. That's just so rich. So it's like yeah.
53:08.33
calltocourage
And.
53:21.19
Laurie Handlers
I was once teaching a sex magic class and a woman called me she was 60 and she said I want to be in her sex magic class. But I don't want to have to have an orgasm and I said to why and she said oh I'm 60 I'm done with that and I said no no no from in my sex magic that. Like the magic happened at the moment of Orangegas and she's like oh no I'm not coming I so sorry for you this is the moment of like the best time to create other things other than babies.
53:44.63
calltocourage
While.
53:53.16
calltocourage
Aha. Are.
53:57.73
Laurie Handlers
And she's like no I'm not interested in having Orgasm. It's too much work. So She's the minority though I have to just say she's a minority I feel like older women are on fire and um and men. Are slowed down a little bit so I feel like there's so there's a like it's women are coming into more testosterone and and men are coming into less testosterone and so there's like um, there's a meeting that's more possible than the meeting in the 20 s or the meeting in the thirty s like there's a more there's more of a.
54:26.44
calltocourage
Rat.
54:34.74
Laurie Handlers
Oh we can talk about this and we can actually make it good for both of us. Wow you know that's ah I think that's very very possible.
54:41.84
calltocourage
Um.
54:46.80
calltocourage
Why don't you share what? what sex magic is like just for those who might not know exactly what that is look How does what is that about.
54:50.11
Laurie Handlers
Oh yeah, Sex magic is setting. This is a this is the way I describe it. It's using Orgasm to intentionally manifest.
55:09.13
Laurie Handlers
Desires creations. So ah human beings because they have a frontal cortex are different from other of a large frontal cortex are different from other mammals other mammals have sex but they have sex during a heat. Period They they like what distinguishes humans from other beings is that humans can have sex at any time they don't necessarily have to be strained to a time when a mammal is in heat. Um, and they can create things other than babies.
55:39.40
calltocourage
Match.
55:45.17
Laurie Handlers
I Never saw anything a porpoise created. Do you know what? I mean like I you know or or a dolphin I love them. But I never saw a ship or a phone or a computer or a microphone created by a dolphin you know like dolphins are super smart. They have sonar radar but they don't They don't create. Um.
55:56.23
calltocourage
Right.
56:05.25
Laurie Handlers
Humans create things besides babies and so humans the center of creation for in human beings is the sex area. The sex Chakra that's the area of creation. We think it's in our head.
56:09.15
calltocourage
Ah.
56:20.28
calltocourage
Yes.
56:24.48
Laurie Handlers
Think all the creativity all the Walt Disney stuff happens in the head like we picture cartoons and whatever but where the center of that lies is in the body in the center the same place where we create humans where we create babies and so um.
56:35.97
calltocourage
This is.
56:42.85
Laurie Handlers
We could create things by using that same energy and we do create things by using that same energy channeled in a different Way. So if I want to write another book I set that intention. When I'm about to have sex either self-pleasuring sex or sex with my partner or just energetic sex and I set that intention and then I put it out into the universe at the moment of orgasm by saying it I speak it.
57:19.32
calltocourage
Definitely.
57:20.47
Laurie Handlers
And um, and then I let it go but that's very powerful. It's super powerful. It's more powerful than writing down my affirmations blah blah blah in a journal like I So make my affirmations in a sexual context.
57:31.36
calltocourage
Um, and yeah.
57:37.72
Laurie Handlers
And I don't waste any orgasms I say I I make intentions for pretty much every orgasm and so you know I've had partners who thought I was really Crazy. You know like I'd be in missionary position. My legs would be around them and I'd be kicking them and going. How much money. Do you want in your pockets you know and like what say just an attention like I've done some pretty crazy things in my life you know and that's one of them.
58:05.77
calltocourage
Um.
58:13.90
calltocourage
I Really love that and I love that I mean for me, it's also bringing sacredness back to our desires like recognizing that what it is that we want is sacred. We're we're allowed to want things and those things could sound like money or in your apartment or writing a book but I've also found this what you spoke about is.
58:15.69
Laurie Handlers
Ah, but.
58:33.70
calltocourage
Ah, sexual energy is our creative life force and it is the force that brings another human being into this matrix like when I think about that it really just brings like Holy Fuck That's a really powerful energy and I've actually supported quite a few men to recognize that when they. You say waste an orgasm I use the same term. But if you use that orgasm while you're mindlessly watching porn or running fantasies about stuff that you don't actually want to bring into your life. You're actually allocating your most powerful life force to something unwanted and for most of us porn leaves us feeling shameful if it's not used really intentionally. And just recognizing that fuck This is like a strong waste of our most precious life force if we don't use it very intentionally to manifest the things that we want. It's like a strong wakeup call to be like okay fuck myself ppleasuring should be a gift to myself and hold the intention for the things that I want to call into my life. In a really really powerful way and so yeah I Love that you're doing this workout.
59:31.84
Laurie Handlers
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, do you know about my bell You must know about my bell here I'm going to ring the Bell I'm just gonna ring I'm just ringing the bell for that because that's ah.
59:36.90
calltocourage
I I don't.
59:48.53
Laurie Handlers
I Travel the world with a Bell I ring a bell when people say things that are so profound that we that I just want to anchor it so you got the bell for that. What you said it was so good. But.
59:49.00
calltocourage
Yeah. Wow! Thank you Thank you like grab Love's dog I've done something good.
01:00:05.48
Laurie Handlers
Ah, yeah I just bring the bell because sometimes the bell says more than I could say to somebody you know? So yeah, creative life force and let me tell you what Michael taught me he knows this statistic.
01:00:10.83
calltocourage
3
01:00:22.90
Laurie Handlers
It's 40000000000000000 to one and actually now it might be more be since vaccination and whatever um before the pandemic and I'm just saying everything about it with tongue and cheek because I'm not going to go totally into my feelings and thoughts about that. But.
01:00:37.44
calltocourage
That.
01:00:40.12
Laurie Handlers
Before that time it was 40000000000000000 to one that a person would be born from a sperm fertilizing an egg like actually 40000000000000000 to one that means that you Gareth are a miracle.
01:00:52.75
calltocourage
For us.
01:00:59.76
Laurie Handlers
And I laurie am a miracle like it's 40000000000000000 to one that our parents would have had a successful launch now I'm hearing terrible statistics lately. So that's why I gave the.
01:01:07.36
calltocourage
So.
01:01:16.25
Laurie Handlers
The preamble saying like I don't know and I'm not um, like I don't even know what that serum thing has done to pregnancies but ah Michael and I were talking about the other night and we said maybe it's 90000000000000000 to one now instead of for for a 400 sorry
01:01:23.51
calltocourage
Nothing.
01:01:34.32
Laurie Handlers
400000000000000000 So maybe it's 900000000000000000 that means that everyone who's actually living walking breathing on the Earth is a miracle because most um, sperms don't fertilize eggs most eggs don't get fertilized most. Things like that don't even happen. So then that the miracle happens and there's a child I don't have any of those myself. But I know that it's a miracle I Just know that it's a miracle and um.
01:01:53.20
calltocourage
And.
01:02:10.20
Laurie Handlers
No one scientists can't even really tell you what happens like they know a sperm fertilizes an egg and they know nine months later there's a child but they don't know anything else and they don't know anything about raising that child. They don't know anything about anything that you actually grow up and you're a functioning human.
01:02:12.64
calltocourage
No.
01:02:26.24
calltocourage
Um, right.
01:02:29.37
Laurie Handlers
Is also amazing because schools don't quite do it which is how we started this show. Um, so it's amazing and that people would treat their lives casually that people would treat each other casually that people would take each other for granted that people wouldn't. Know how to really return to Love. That's the travesty of all this that we are not educated to be human to each other you know so that's why I wake up every single morning because I am not done I have things to say.
01:03:01.65
calltocourage
Yeah.
01:03:09.77
Laurie Handlers
Ah.
01:03:10.52
calltocourage
You're also really interested in longevity and I'd love you to talk a little bit about that while also giving some tips of what men can do to increase their vitality and live a little bit longer.
01:03:22.52
Laurie Handlers
Oh yay sleep number one sleep sleep 9 hours no not seven and a half hours seven and a half to 9 hours a night. Don't be some kind of weirdo who's in the protestant work ethic who thinks it's.
01:03:36.24
calltocourage
Um, Anthony.
01:03:40.58
Laurie Handlers
Really fabulous to only sleep 3 to 5 hours a night and don't live on coffee number one two I love longevity. So I'm 75 and I plan to be here for a while longer a lot longer and I have things I you know I have to spend more money than I ever did before on. So.
01:03:42.50
calltocourage
Go.
01:03:54.17
calltocourage
And.
01:04:00.20
Laurie Handlers
On things that I never even thought about before like supplements and whatever. But um, yeah, it's worth it. So that's number 1 sleep to stress here's the things exercise diet sleep and and stress.
01:04:04.34
calltocourage
Ah.
01:04:17.93
Laurie Handlers
So you have to move your body every single day Gareth you know this I I watch you I see you do things on Instagram and I get excited and I know that I inspired your partner aramenta she used to say to me she used to say to me, you're amazing like you're doing this like we're we're on the road and I go yeah.
01:04:30.24
calltocourage
Um, the driven I hope.
01:04:35.84
Laurie Handlers
We're on the road and we have to do movement movement is life and then she bought these travel yoga mats and she did all these things so you must move every single day move every single day. Don't take a day off, you can't afford to take a day off. We have to move. We're sitting in these chairs on this screen we have to move.
01:04:39.61
calltocourage
Brett.
01:04:51.20
calltocourage
Um.
01:04:54.41
Laurie Handlers
So movement and sleep sleep is really important sleep some couples break up because they have different sleep patterns because the 1 person didn't get enough sleep also careers that have like um overnight things like doctors and pilots.
01:05:02.30
calltocourage
Okay.
01:05:14.33
Laurie Handlers
And nurses and I don't know who else works all night shift. Those are very those are very bad for your health bad. They rob you of fifteen years fifteen years um okay
01:05:16.33
calltocourage
Um, yeah, yeah, hip. Yeah.
01:05:32.80
Laurie Handlers
Stress stress reducing stress is really important really important. So whatever it takes to reduce stress meditation emotional release exercise. Um.
01:05:43.13
calltocourage
Um.
01:05:48.78
calltocourage
Self-pleasure.
01:05:49.96
Laurie Handlers
Self pleasure. Thank you, Thank you? Thank you wait I rang the Bell again I Love things that reduce stress. Okay, then there's diet now that there's no correct diet so in the on the in the people that um.
01:05:55.47
calltocourage
Ah, that was that. But.
01:06:03.18
calltocourage
Agreed.
01:06:08.60
Laurie Handlers
Like the blue zones people in Sardinia and people in Japan and people who really live a long time over 100 mostly they have something like the Mediterranean diet and they eat things that are locally grown and.
01:06:11.70
calltocourage
Yep.
01:06:27.11
Laurie Handlers
And like that um they drink wine maybe in Japan they don't but in italy they do, um, it's not yeah, it's not forbidden but they also they walk they have community to reduce stress. They're supported.
01:06:32.84
calltocourage
But in moderation.
01:06:44.39
calltocourage
Kept.
01:06:46.52
Laurie Handlers
They love. They're in touch with nature that nature going out in nature reduces stress. So those are the 4 big things and then there's biohacking so there's you know you could eat drink the bullet coffee I don't drink coffee so I don't do that but green tea is supposedly really good for men especially for prostates.
01:06:59.75
calltocourage
Are.
01:07:05.86
Laurie Handlers
Ah, one fallacy don't think that if you have to lose your prostate that you can have an erection you actually can So there's sex. There's sex after prostate Ectomy don't go there. Don't go that far like get your prostate.
01:07:15.18
calltocourage
Okay, then.
01:07:24.98
Laurie Handlers
Check and get your prostate massaged and get your get your testing and whatever don't go there. But if you must go there if you have to lose it your junk still works. You know I mean like it still it still works. It just can't ejaculate.
01:07:40.78
calltocourage
Um, here are.
01:07:44.23
Laurie Handlers
And so but after some time it it does work. So um, what else can men do something I do Although now I just heard that it lowers testosterone. So I'm not sure about it. But I've been doing it for a long time I take Metformin Metformin is a drug.
01:07:57.74
calltocourage
Okay.
01:08:01.99
Laurie Handlers
That is given to people with diabetes I don't have diabetes but I take metformin because I I take it for cancer prevention. So um, people who take metformin have super low levels of cancer.
01:08:05.35
calltocourage
Baha.
01:08:11.70
calltocourage
And.
01:08:20.11
Laurie Handlers
And they have almost zero levels of pancreatic cancer and that's what my mother died of so I take Bedformin um, a friend of mine just told me this week that it lowered her testosterone so she stopped taking it.
01:08:23.79
calltocourage
Yeah, okay.
01:08:34.62
Laurie Handlers
But I don't know I would rather have lower testosterone than cancer. So I Just it's a tradeoff. Um, those are some good bio Hacks. Ah yeah, that's it. That's a good those are good. Oh.
01:08:47.32
calltocourage
I'm waiting for you to share the stretching your testicles that I've only heard you share before.
01:08:53.81
Laurie Handlers
Yes, you pull on your testicles for every year that you're alive every day. So if you're 40 you pull on it 44 you pull your balls forty forty four times a day you pull on this on your skirttle sack. Actually you don't like really hurt your testicles.
01:08:59.39
calltocourage
So 44
01:09:10.73
calltocourage
I have.
01:09:12.73
Laurie Handlers
But you pull down on it. Yeah, you pull it away from your body because so because they tend to go up and get stressed and like hang around too close to the body so you pull them down and you just it just it relieves stress and it.
01:09:22.64
calltocourage
And what does that do.
01:09:30.30
Laurie Handlers
Definitely creates blood circulation and you're putting attention. You're putting attention on yourself. Um in a in an intentional way in an intentional way. So yeah I forgot about that Ivan told that.
01:09:31.52
calltocourage
In all the right places.
01:09:45.16
calltocourage
And.
01:09:48.51
Laurie Handlers
I Don't teach Tanta anymore you know so I don't I don't remember all the things I used to say to people but but but yeah.
01:09:51.72
calltocourage
I heard that from Ara Venta and that's a yeah address something that I wanted to that I wanted to share because I think it's yeah, that's that intentional stuff that for most would be so weird but in some ways it's so fucking obvious it's like why we're not talking about this stuff is the.
01:10:08.30
Laurie Handlers
Um, right? yeah.
01:10:10.34
calltocourage
You know the types of things that I want to bring to light you know self-pleasuring you know sex magic all of these things that inherently I guess we know new but we haven't created a space to continue learning these things and continually created. Yeah our ritual around these important things.
01:10:22.60
Laurie Handlers
Totally totally well. These new pants these slat these these I don't know if you call them trousers these pants that men are wearing that are like lower in the crotch. You know, like the to like the the fisherman pants which I don't like very much but I like that.
01:10:35.11
calltocourage
Um, yeah.
01:10:42.70
Laurie Handlers
The new knit versions that come from Bali like those you know they're made of some kind of stretchy fabric but they but they're lower so that they're not pushing your balls up into your into your body and those are much better. Those are much healthier just like box of shorts. Ah.
01:10:42.87
calltocourage
Yeah.
01:10:52.38
calltocourage
This is.
01:10:59.92
Laurie Handlers
Like the old adages for people couples who couldn't get pregnant. They would say what kind of but what kind of shorts does the man wearing if he's wearing tidy whiteies then he he his sperm are too hot to get to impregnated woman so they would recommend boxer shorts Now we recommend those.
01:11:07.38
calltocourage
Ah.
01:11:12.82
calltocourage
Aha.
01:11:18.82
Laurie Handlers
Those pants those those slacks that have a lower crotch. Yeah, there's space there for your balls like so that they don't They're not like right next to you all the time. Ah.
01:11:21.41
calltocourage
Into this space. Yeah makes sense.
01:11:34.22
calltocourage
So you're you're the creator of the sex and happiness podcast. What's what is that gift to the world. What is your aim with ah that podcast in addition to some of the stuff we've spoken about today. What's what's the point of those conversations.
01:11:47.23
Laurie Handlers
Oh good and I have a new podcast. Um, so sex and happiness. It's on hold for a while that what it was was I I interviewed first started as tantra cafe and so I interviewed all the tantric people all the teachers that I knew.
01:11:56.73
calltocourage
I get.
01:12:04.18
Laurie Handlers
And what I did what happened for that is first of all I exposed them all to the world. You know like a lot of them had never been interviewed before and um also I had probably had issues with all of them and it was great because I fell in love with them on my podcast.
01:12:17.38
calltocourage
Go on.
01:12:19.14
Laurie Handlers
So I like fell in love with people that I had theoretical differences with like death. He's a perfect example I totally fell in love with him on my podcast. Oh yeah, long before he and I met long ago we met and like.
01:12:25.33
calltocourage
And Wow awesome Was that before you came to isther like can.
01:12:39.50
Laurie Handlers
2004 or 5 We met a long long time ago and you know I I liked him but I you know we didn't theoretically we differed about a lot of things and so when I interviewed him it was great.
01:12:41.50
calltocourage
And so.
01:12:55.74
Laurie Handlers
When I entered I mean I interviewed I interviewed Charles Muir I interviewed margot anand I interviewed Betty Dodson I interviewed um you know great teachers and also other people doctors and.
01:13:00.45
calltocourage
12
01:13:12.71
Laurie Handlers
People who were practitioners and whatever all kinds we buy interviewed people who had been former porn stars I interviewed all kinds of things Anyway, um so I got bored with tantra like if the tantra people said to me one more time like I'd say what's your favorite practice and they'd all say eye gazing. And then like everyone said the same thing so I just went I'm so Bored. What am I going to do so my my station ah owner at the time said change the name of the thing to sex and happiness. He said and then open it up to more creativity like more subjects.
01:13:33.35
calltocourage
With.
01:13:47.50
calltocourage
And.
01:13:49.15
Laurie Handlers
So I opened it up and then I started interviewing all you know all these different kinds of people. Anyone who had anything to do with something sexual that was a contribution I interviewed them and.
01:14:03.29
calltocourage
Ah.
01:14:05.76
Laurie Handlers
And then Michael and I started to ah when I met Michael we started doing this thing called extraordinary lovers tv and we also started took over sex and I got tired of interviewing people 15 years of interviewing people's along stin with interviewing people. So I so then he and I would just riff.
01:14:19.50
calltocourage
Yeah, yeah.
01:14:25.46
Laurie Handlers
On a subject like boundaries. So that's what it contributes it contributes. Um, but it's but we're it's ah it's on hold right now because we're forming this um portal inside my web website. It's called Laurie Handler's handler's inner circle and it's got all my my whole body of work of. Like my whole legacy of everything I've ever created which includes films podcasts being on other people's podcasts the whole thing but also I just want to say besides I want to say everybody go to inner circle you know, go to my inner circle join it and you can get years and years worth of.
01:14:45.83
calltocourage
The folks.
01:15:04.18
Laurie Handlers
Teachings and things different things that I've produced but also I just produced a new podcast and I can't tell you what the former name was because they want to sue me so I'll just say it's close to what this is um so it's called.
01:15:15.00
calltocourage
Um, ah.
01:15:21.70
Laurie Handlers
Power suits and pillow talk. So if you consider where you would wear the power suits and you consider where the pillow talk would be taking place. It would have been the this to the this. But now it's power suits and pillow talk.
01:15:22.52
calltocourage
Okay.
01:15:36.17
calltocourage
Ah.
01:15:36.22
Laurie Handlers
And I'm doing it with my friend Jen Cogan she's an executive female foot woman's coach and I'm and I'm me you know as expert and together. We talk about how hard it is for powerful women to learn how to be in surrender if they want to.
01:15:39.83
calltocourage
Okay.
01:15:55.39
calltocourage
Um, and.
01:15:55.93
Laurie Handlers
If they want to have be in some kind of polar relationship polar opposite relationship where there's polarity where they can actually get ravished because if you're an a type personality and you're the Alpha woman all day long and you're giving orders. It's really hard to to just.
01:16:06.56
calltocourage
Ah.
01:16:14.31
Laurie Handlers
Put that down in the bedroom.
01:16:14.46
calltocourage
And be somebody else that so be in the feminine polarity yet.
01:16:17.96
Laurie Handlers
Exactly So that's what our part that podcast is about it's going pretty well. But but yeah.
01:16:25.23
calltocourage
So beautiful. So good I want to um, finish with a couple things. 1 of them is your conversation around intimacy past fifty I know that's ah the theme of your book. But I'd love to create a space for anybody that's listening to this that might be. Yeah, at at that stage of their life and perhaps thinking that intimacy is something that sort of tapers off towards the late 40 s early 50 s and ah, you don't believe that so share something that.
01:16:47.54
Laurie Handlers
Yeah, it I don't believe that I'm an example of someone who who is living that it I met the love of my life when I was 67 so if I gave up when I was 50 that would be ridiculous like like.
01:16:59.48
calltocourage
Um, nothing.
01:17:06.42
Laurie Handlers
Ridiculous like I met him when I was 67 who who even expected he was coming I didn't care. You know it's let's just like he showed up. Um I I feel like. 50 just what I said earlier fifty I didn't care anymore about certain social constraints. So then my whole life opened up in a different way. So I don't think people should lose faith I don't think people should get depressed about it I think they should I don't think they should go on tinder. Like I don't think tinder is their spot. You know what? I mean I don't think tinder is a place for over fifty people there must be something else. But I think that they I think there's um I think there's so much hope for them and I think there's so much ah knowledge that they have about themselves that they couldn't.
01:17:39.89
calltocourage
Okay.
01:17:55.20
Laurie Handlers
Ah, 20 they were too self-conscious at 30 they were too self-conscious they were too worried about everybody else and so um I feel. It's a great time to meet people and if you don't know where to I mean I don't have I don't have the I don't have the 1 thing that you could check off the list and say okay, go here and you'll meet I can say it is to over 50 they'll meet you know and I'm doing you know as many of them as I possibly can. There's not that many facilitators over 50 so I have to do it.
01:18:18.27
calltocourage
Um, brought.
01:18:28.97
calltocourage
Rat.
01:18:29.26
Laurie Handlers
Have to work with who I have but um, much more fun I mean just much more fun much more different issues different issue. The kids are now grown or almost grown. They're out of the house like what do you want to do with your life.
01:18:35.16
calltocourage
I have.
01:18:45.11
calltocourage
Um, yeah.
01:18:47.11
Laurie Handlers
It's a whole new It's a whole new way to be and and so I have all hope and encouragement for people over fifty and I and you know they can contact me privately if they have you know specific questions about it I don't know I don't know what to say generally except. Stop it stop feeling bad for yourself. Yeah, ah, do something new I have let me just tell you in the book I have 7 new laws in my first book I had 10 laws for intimacy and that was really self intimacy.
01:19:07.82
calltocourage
And by the book. Yeah.
01:19:20.64
calltocourage
Brad.
01:19:25.39
Laurie Handlers
Um, in this book I have 7 I have 6 new laws and 1 same law. So I have 6 new ones which are things like shake things up, do new things break your routines. Um, try you know say new things to yourself risk. All kinds of stuff and then I have the same one which is boundaries boundaries is the same in both books although boundaries when you're younger is different from boundaries when you're older boundaries when you're younger is about more like sexuality like don't do this. You know I have this boundary I'm learning how to say I don't want to do this I don't want to do this but I'll do this.
01:19:47.15
calltocourage
Threat.
01:20:04.22
Laurie Handlers
When you're older you have to have boundaries around um people trying to take advantage of you not sexually but financially and um timewise like if you're a grandparent and your kids have you know.
01:20:10.20
calltocourage
Okay.
01:20:18.65
Laurie Handlers
You have grandchildren and your children are always trying to give you the grandchildren to watch them all the time like no I have a boundary. No I don't want that I'm going out you know So it's a different. It's different boundaries are different. But yeah, okay so that's.
01:20:24.54
calltocourage
Um.
01:20:27.12
calltocourage
Yes, yes.
01:20:35.91
Laurie Handlers
That's where I'll stop with that one but there's a lot of things I cover in ah in the new laws. Yeah.
01:20:46.39
calltocourage
I'm so grateful that you are doing this work and yeah that you got this opportunity to hang out. It's been It's been so epic I would actually like to on the record invite you and Michael to. Come to something that minson our co-creating in South Africa next year which is a couple's retreat called Soulmate Safari and if October next year is in your world. We're going to go to South Africa and yeah I'm sure you have gifts that you'd be able to share and if it feels like it's in your flow. I know your calendar is probably full between now and 2027 and I have this? yeah.
01:21:20.10
Laurie Handlers
It's it. Ah well I in October I am just making plans to be possibly in Israel which isn't that far away like I'm in that. Let's just say I'm in that part of the world. So.
01:21:29.75
calltocourage
No, what that time zone I'll send you the details and it's also this first opportunity for me to mention this on our podcast because I haven't actually even launched it yet. But when men and I were like who would we want to co-create a couple's retreat with you and Michael came up for sure.
01:21:36.31
Laurie Handlers
Yeah.
01:21:47.22
Laurie Handlers
Wow.
01:21:48.64
calltocourage
Because of the relationship that you guys have and um yeah, at some point in our future doing extraordinary lovers with you guys is is definitely on our sort of to do list or bucket list of of trainings to do.
01:21:58.98
Laurie Handlers
Great! Great! Thank you! That is so wonderful I feel like oh ah, sorry.
01:22:08.31
calltocourage
Um, yeah, so where can people connect with you if they want to learn more about you learn more about your books and the inner circle.
01:22:15.56
Laurie Handlers
Yeah, they can go to ah lauriehandlers.com that's it and and um I'll spell my name just in case, someone's not looking l a u r I e hand a a n d l e r s it has to have that s.
01:22:17.82
calltocourage
Awesome.
01:22:30.52
calltocourage
Sorry Handlers cool.
01:22:32.51
Laurie Handlers
And the end louriehandlers.com and also they can go to Amazon you know if they want to, they can pre-auder the book. Um Amazon had a snafu but hopefully it'll be settled by the time people hear this and they can preauder it and it'll be out on.
01:22:36.35
calltocourage
I said.
01:22:51.85
Laurie Handlers
It'll be you know out in print in December but it would really help me to to rise to the bestseller charts ahead of time. So thank you.
01:22:59.75
calltocourage
Awesome! So good and we'll include those links as well in the show notes so laurie So great to hang out with you I Can't wait till I get to meet you in person and thanks for making the time I know how busy you are and for sharing your magic on this platform.
01:23:07.81
Laurie Handlers
Thanks Gareth. Thank you! This was great. I loved every second of it together I especially loved laughing with you. Thank you? But okay chow.
01:23:20.83
calltocourage
Appreciate it. Thank you so much. Love job.
