The relationship challenges that you're experiencing in your relationship today are caused by the first intimate relationship that you ever had, the relationship that you had with your mother. And in today's episode, we're going to share the six core mother wounds that are secretly sabotaging every relationship you've ever had. Let's get into it.
What's up? It's Garrett. Welcome to another episode of the Fathers Sons Brothers podcast, and today we're going to share with you that you're not actually dating your partner, that you're actually dating your mother wound. And we want to share the six wounds that currently create the strategies that show up in your relationships today. I'm joined today by Matt in Spain. How you bro?
I'm doing good, bro. I'm on the fifth day of my wife taking my son to Madrid, so I'm home alone, I'm feeling spacious and it's one of those moments as a four-and-a-half-year-old dad that I don't get as often as I'd like, so really relishing that moment. Yeah. How about you?
Good. Yeah, beautiful day in South Africa. It's autumn here and excited to get into today's topic around these patterns that show up in relationships. We've worked with quite a few men over the last few years, supporting them in their relationships and maybe you want to share what unfolded for you inside the Legendary Lover method when we first touched the theme of these- these mother wounds.
It's such a strong theme for me because you know it's- we're going to get into these six different wounds and all of us have one of them. Like, it's- it's almost unavoidable for us to go through the experience of being a child and not get one of these wounds. And yeah, when- when it came up in the Legendary Lover method container, I remember just getting cracked open. We had a guest facilitator who was there who described each of these and when she got to mine, which is actually the- the Good Boy, she was describing just to a T everything that I was going through of- of, you know, wanting to be the Good Boy and wanting to- to seek approval and be, you know, sort of in the background and not be a problem for my mom. And I just broke down crying because like, these are wounds, right? These are traumas that we experience as kids. It may not be, you know, getting slapped in the face, it may not have that sort of, you know, direct relevancy of something we think of as trauma, but it's a pattern that has an imprint on us. And I remember when I saw it for the first time, I couldn't unsee it. And from there that was really the start of a- a pretty powerful healing journey for me. And so yeah, my hope is that today for the- the men who are listening out there that you can have a similar aha moment to see that, "Yeah, I fit into this path," and then obviously do the work to- to get through it. So amped about this episode, bro.
Beautiful. What we're touching here is something really, really deep. As Matt said, you know, a lot of these patterns are caused in our childhood and they're done unconsciously. Our parents do the best that they can and they don't realize that they're bringing these, you know, dependencies or strategies to their parenting. And so our parents are doing the best that they can, but our aim with this episode is to bring what we call shadow work, deep opportunities for you to recognize what it is that's showing up in your relationship now. And so I just want to share that what you- what you're going to learn today is really going to get to the root cause to solve some of the relationship challenges that you have in your relationship right now. So as we go through these six mother wounds, as Matt said, you're not going to necessarily have all of them, some might not even resonate at all. And even if you had a very solid, stable upbringing in your childhood, there's always going to be some thread of one of these patterns that's alive in your relationship. So there's always going to be some work for you to do. And I'm- I'm an example of this. I came from a very beautiful home, very solid, very loving home, and there's a pattern in here that really resonates with me. So let's dive straight in, and as we go through these- these six core mother wounds, the invitation is for you to really check in and see with yourself which of these wounds resonates the most with you.
So let's kick off with wound number one, which is called the Approval Seeker. For the Approval Seeker, love came from pleasing your mom. As a man, you seek approval and avoid conflict. Perhaps you struggle to set boundaries, saying yes when you mean no. And for this particular strategy, you lose attraction from your partner through self-abandonment.
Yeah, I can definitely see areas of that in me. I mean, that's not- when I look at the six, that's not the one I most identify with, but this idea of- of avoiding conflict and not setting strong boundaries, I've got that. I've got that.
Definitely. And the- the avoiding conflict piece is something we teach a lot inside the Academy, which is if you want a solid, strong relationship, it has to be based on authentic expression, meaning your honest truth. And sometimes having an honest conversation is- it's unavoidable to try and avoid conflict. And if you have this strategy of wanting to continually seek approval, meaning you want- you'll do whatever it takes to get the approval of your partner and you avoid conflict, you actually create an energy leak by not being completely honest. So if this one resonates with you, sit with it and we're going to be sharing a process for you to be able to dive into these more deeply.
So let's take a look at wound number two. This is the Emotional Caretaker. So for some boys, their mom relied on them emotionally. They suppressed their own needs and as a result they start to attract partners who need fixing. They feel responsible for everybody else's feelings.
This particular wound doesn't have a big resonance with me because I- I don't feel like I had that. And I've worked with a lot of people who have what we call the- the rescuer and victim mentality in their relationships, meaning they tend to attract partners who need fixing so that they can show up and be the rescuer. But the problem with that dynamic is that it's unhealthy because as soon as the victim starts to heal themselves, there's no more work for the rescuer and then that man starts to shake and feel unstable in his relationship because he's continually trying to rescue his partner.
Yeah, and it's almost like- I see this in some patterns of friends, actually. They show up to rescue as a way to feel loved, like if they don't have a partner or a situation with their partner that they can't fix, it's almost like they don't feel validated in the relating. Like it's like then- as a result of that, as the partner elevates and does her own work and starts achieving the best version of herself, it results in a shrinking of that- of that man. And so yeah, I see that in some friend dynamics as well. Yeah.
All right, let's dive into the third wound. So this is the Avoidant Man. So this is for when young boys experienced emotional distance or rejections from their mom. Being honest or being vulnerable felt dangerous and so they never go deep. When intimacy deepens, they start to bail. And this- this is something that I've actually seen a little bit in me. And I think it has a little bit to do with some of my wounds, but there's definitely been a part of me that's noticed where a relationship does start suddenly start to go deep, the- the avoidant part of me that doesn't want to manage conflict can definitely pull the chute on a relationship. And I always find a reason that there's something wrong with my partner, rather than there being something wrong with me to want to avoid it. So as you said, there's- there's threads of these patterns in each of us, hey?
Yeah, it's so easy to point at our partner, isn't it? God, that's so much easier. It's so much easier to just say she did this and this and this, when it's really we have a part in it all, don't we?
Yep. And that's the whole point of this. The point of these- these wounds is for us to be able to take self-responsibility for the roles that we're playing in our relationship. And so yeah, that's the third wound.
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So pattern number four, Matt and I resonate both with this one, is the Good Boy. And this is the version of a young man that was rewarded for being obedient, polite and easy to manage. Being liked was more important than being honest. They become extremely agreeable, they hide their anger and their sexual desires, and they struggle to express what they want, which really kills polarity over time.
Yeah, bro, this is the one that cracked me open, man. Like just seeing- and I remember when it was framed inside of our container, she indicated- our guest speaker indicated that- this wound tends to happen like within the age of like six to ten. Like it's in that age range that boys begin to try to find this, you know, different level of intimate connection with their mother and the way that the mother receives it, of either being there or accepting it or withdrawing, like each of these reactions can sort of contribute to each of these wounds. And when I looked back at myself from the age of six to nine, that's when my newborn sister had just been born and so my mother's availability there was- was occupied with taking care of this newborn. And so as a result I was rewarded for being easy to manage and being obedient and doing as I'm told. Like I became that and I can see that that's when that was shaped for me, and as soon as that clicked, like I said, I just broke open and just cried my eyes out. And yeah, I see it- I see it exist not only in my intimate relationship but also my relationships in social circles. I can see that the good boy in me wants to be the individual in the group that is easygoing, that is not obstructing any of the group flow, and I can feel really comfortable when I'm in that space, and I can even fight to be in that space if I feel uncomfortable. And so yeah. How about you?
If you've listened to this podcast at any level, we've done two episodes with Dr. Robert Glover, who wrote the book No More Mr. Nice Guy, because this Good Boy is also the Nice Guy, which is also sometimes called the People Pleaser, and it's been a strategy for me my entire life for similar reasons to you. I noticed that I received the praise and love of my parents when I was easy to manage, and if we went to any of their friends, like in a social environment or for a barbecue or something like that, if I walked in there and was well-behaved, I could feel the admiration and love of the other parents, and so this became a strategy. But like all of these things, it's like trying to build a house but only having one tool. You can't go through your entire life only being one particular facade of person, the Nice Guy that pleases everybody, because the Nice Guy, as we said there, suppresses his emotions, suppresses his desires. "I will do whatever it takes for you guys all to be okay." And while that may seem like a good strategy—and we're going to spend a little bit of time here because we work with so many men that have this one, the Nice Guy—it may seem like you're doing the right thing, but for a woman, if you or the feminine, even the feminine in a man, if you are not being completely authentic, they can feel it. Which means if you say, "I don't mind what we do tonight, let's do whatever you want to do," there's something that's inherently weak in that and that can kill polarity over time because you're not owning your truth, you're not showing up in your power and it's not authentic. It's actually a survival strategy or a trauma response that comes from this wounded young part. And so while the Nice Guy may seem like the right thing to do, and there are definitely, let's call them some superpowers of being nice—that for me is recognizing I can feel the room, I can feel what's going on, I can feel what other people want, I can also feel when something's up—so that- those are some of the superpowers. The shadow side is when I will do whatever it takes, I'll bend myself into any shape or try and fix my partner rather than be authentically myself and stay in my truth.
Yeah, and it permeates so many different parts. Like I can see sexual patterns of, you know, wanting to get- wanting to get laid and having an opportunity with a girl, and rather than owning my desire to connect with her, I would sort of like just be like almost backing out of the way towards the goal of- of connecting physically, rather than walking confidently toward that and communicating it confidently out of fear that if I- if I state my need, it won't be met, I won't be the agreeable person anymore, it's not going to be polite and I'm not going to get what I want. And the strategy just permeates so many different social dynamics. It's incredible.
Such a beautiful point. You know, what also underlies many of these wounds is what Matt's touching there, which is the fear of rejection. This is one of my core wounds, the- the idea that I'm going to be rejected, and so if I was to make a direct ask of somebody, even in a sexual environment, if I was to be rejected that there would be something wrong with me, which is obviously not true. I'm fine, and in fact a healthy way to do it is something that we teach inside the- the Academy and inside the Legendary Lover method is how do you own your desires and bring them authentically in a way that feels safe for you and for the person that you do—or the person that you're connecting with—in a way that it really lands and resonates with them. And so yeah, if you can recognize that as you start to see these core patterns and start to heal them, you start to realize that I'm going to be fine. I can be rejected. And in fact, what we get to is the exact opposite: we celebrate a no. You've worked with this, hey bro?
Yeah, I love the- celebrating a no. It's great. It's great. Try to get more nos. My- my mentor was telling me to go get more nos, see how it feels. Yeah.
So that's the Good Boy. Let's move to the second last pattern that we have. This is pattern number five and this is the Hyper Independent Man. As young boys, these- these young boys learned that their emotional needs would not get met. They became self-reliant and believed that they didn't need anybody, and as- as men, as grownups now, they struggle to trust love. So they keep emotionally distant through work and through achieving and from going after accolades. Some people call this the- the fear of intimacy. It- it manifests as like the relationship starts to deepen, they may have a desire, a conscious desire for partnership—we've worked with men like this, "I really want partnership"—but I keep jumping at the last minute, I keep sabotaging it somehow. I either break my agreements or I distance myself emotionally or I don't show up in my fullness because I don't know quite how to manage that. This could come from the part of you that learned that your emotional needs wouldn't be met and you become self-reliant, hey?
Yeah, I don't have much to contribute on this one and I- I see it exist in the world. Yeah.
Yeah, we work with a lot of men in this space. This one is something I've seen in- in some really dear family friends of ours, and this wound is called the Little Prince. This is the final wound and for some young boys they were put on a pedestal and they were- they were praised excessively and shielded from responsibility. As men, they now feel entitled to attention and to admiration from their partners, and they expect their partners to meet their needs without them doing any of their own internal work. This is the- sometimes called a man-child. It's like a grownup, a fully grown man who is like entitled or, you know, has tendencies to be almost like a brat when they don't get what they want. Think of like maybe a Donald Trump character for- for one archetypal- you know, it's this- it's a grownup in a man's body but just behaving like a brat. Often has been put on a pedestal as a function of, yeah, his personal growth and development stopped at a young age when his parents put him on a pedestal and as a result they move into their relationships and have a sense of entitlement that's completely unhealthy, hey?
Yeah, and what a great example of- of that, you know, manifesting deep into one's life and coming out in all the patterns like we see a lot of the actions of that- that world leader being within the shadow of the Little Prince. Like I think it's quite obvious in a lot of the ways that he- he kind of shoots from the hip and yeah. It's very interesting to see. The Little Prince.
So those are the six core mother wounds that are alive in the field of relating. As we went through those, I hope that you managed to find at least one that felt super resonant, maybe two or three. There might be threads and we call these kissing cousins. Sometimes you have one and there's like one that sits on the edge, you know, sort of a similar strategy that you get as a result of them. So check in with yourself, see which of these is resonant with you. And the work once you start to recognize these patterns is a process that we call reparenting. Meaning the version of Gareth that's the polite boy or the Good Boy, that part I've named, his name is Charlie, but he's five or six years old. And there's times when Charlie wants to show up, as Matt said, like in the bedroom or in a relating style, and it's not the place for a seven-year-old to be showing up. I need to be in my power and in my fullness. And so this work of once you recognize one of these patterns, maybe you're the Little Prince, it's like, okay, you know that there's a young entitled part that lives inside you as a function of this wounding that you received from your parents. And it's okay. There's nothing that you need to do. The awareness is the main piece of shadow work. And we talk about this- this framework inside the Academy which is called the three S's, and these are the three S's of transformation. The first S is self-awareness and self-responsibility. You now know that you have the Little Prince living inside you, or you have a Good Boy who lives inside you. It's your responsibility now. You have this awareness that something in what lives inside you is showing up in your relationship. So that's the first S of transformation. But once you have this S, you also need the second S, which is a system. What do you now do with it? How do you integrate this part? How do you raise this young child that lives inside you so that you can reparent it into a healthy expression and as a result have healthy relationships? And then the third S, Matt, maybe you can share what the third S is and how that would support a brother in this process of transformation.
I mean, the third S is support. You know, I think- I think especially with men we get into this fallacy of like, "Okay, I'm going to read the book, I'm going to carve out an extra half hour in the morning to do this thing and I'm going to hope that's going to work." And so many times it doesn't work because when we try to do self-work in a vacuum and in an isolated state, we can get lost in it. And we need that accountability, and we need- other men who are doing the work alongside us, who are showing up in authenticity, who are, you know, really getting to the nuts and bolts and want to step into a better version of themselves. That's what we have to surround ourselves with if we really want to penetrate- the shadow that we're identifying here with this work. And so yeah, support is the biggest piece and Gareth maybe you can get into this a bit more, but the invite is to- to join the community that we're building here at Father Sons Brothers.
Exactly. The- the last piece around support that I just want to share is that there is a part of you that doesn't want to change. What I mean by that is you may have the best intentions to level up your relationship, but there are some parts of you that know that change is inherently going to create a new, perhaps even instability for a while inside yourself. It's like the version of you that knows that going to the gym is a good idea, but the other part is like, "That's going to burn too many calories," and in a world of calorie reduction and being the most efficient, going to the gym requires hard work. And that's why this final S that Matt shared around support is what's going to help take you forward to the next level. So when that part of you that wants to change starts to compete with what we call the saboteur, the version of you that's like, "I don't want to do it, it's going to be hard work, it's going to be something new, maybe it's even unknown, I'd rather stay where I'm at," the support is going to be extremely critical for you on this- this loop of transformation. And so these three S's circle around like an upward spiral. Once you've been through the self-awareness, you've done the work, you've received the support, you then go back to reassessing the self-awareness. "How do I feel right now in this relationship? Have I grown? Oh look, there's some refinements." I go through the circle again, get supported again, use the system again, and around and around we go.
So if you want to journey more deeply with us, we have created something called the Magnetic Masculine Masterclass. This is a potent 60-minute training that you can complete in an hour. The training part is around 30 minutes, there's 30 minutes of journaling prompts. We dive into some of these themes that we teach right here and the Magnetic Masculine Masterclass is called Relationship Fundamentals for Men. The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships, meaning if you have healthy relationships, you have a meaningful life. But if you don't know how to attract, maintain and end your relationships consciously, they start to become super messy and as a result your life starts to become extremely complicated. And we never get taught these tools, which is why we created this- this potent live training. We will leave a link to the Magnetic Masculine Masterclass just below this for those who want to join that. Please check it out. There's also an invitation on the back of that to join us inside the Father Sons Brothers Academy. And- Matt, thank you for doing this. I'm excited about getting back into this and- getting back into this format of supporting men through these slightly shorter episodes that I hopefully are going to give men some actual tools that they can use and apply into their relationship.
Bro, I love it. I'm excited about the path we're starting down and- yeah, looking forward to all you brothers out there who are listening to this and- can show up and- and join us. So invite to do that and see you at the next one.
Check out the Magnetic Masculine Masterclass, link below, and if you are enjoying this show, please take a moment to follow us and leave a review wherever you're consuming this podcast. We'll see you next time. Peace.
Cheers.
