00:00.00
Matt Dahse
In today's episode we're going to dive into clear communication and how to start a relationship from a foundation of honesty from the beginning.
01:15.73
calltocourage
Yes, yes, yes, what's happening. It's Gareth and welcome to the show. This is episode 3 in a miniseries that we're creating on relationships called clear relating and myself and Matt are going to be unpacking 6 tools that we use in our relationships not only at the early stages of wanting to manifest partnership. But also as you move into a new connection. How do you clearly communicate with somebody as well as tools that we can support you. If you're in a long-term partnership where myself and Matt find ourselves at the moment the tool that we're going to be unpacking today is called rbdsm. It's an acronym and I'm really excited to share it because this is probably one of the things that has. Supported me most over the last couple of years and it's a tool that I really wish that I'd learned when I was a teenager because it would have made getting clear and the way that I communicate with people new connections. So much easier and solved so many. Relationship challenges that came from not being clear upfront that I'm so stoked to be sharing this with you today. I'm also stoked to be sharing it with you today with Matt who is in Thailand how you bro.
02:36.50
Matt Dahse
I'm good man I'm amped that we are doing this episode because like you communication is something that I did not install in my previous connections and now that it is present in my current one. It has changed the entire game. You know it's like we.
02:44.11
calltocourage
Are.
02:52.20
calltocourage
Are.
02:54.29
Matt Dahse
We think that our partner knows everything about us. But it's not their responsibility to know our needs and to know our desires and to know our boundaries like that's our individual responsibility to identify what they are and communicate it to our partner and for them to do the same to us and that's. That's why this framework is so powerful.
03:15.26
calltocourage
And you've had firsthand experience of being able to be a recipient of this particular communication framework where in an intimate connection. Someone shared it with you. Maybe you can just share that story of what it was like to have this communication Framework. As ah as a basis for a new connection.
03:35.70
Matt Dahse
Yeah, it was dropped in my lap one night I was connecting with a girl who I knew known for a few days. We had been flirting and then ah we ended up back at her place or mine and we're starting to connect and she says Matt can we pause and have an honest conversation.
03:52.83
Matt Dahse
And like that sounds it sounded a little bit like you know when you're in trouble and you know your parents want to tell you something that you did wrong I was like fuck. What did I do like I was immediately defensive but um, she explained what it was and we dove into it and yeah it ended up creating.
04:00.10
calltocourage
Ah.
04:11.69
Matt Dahse
Really, it created safety. It created safety knowing that we were both in alignment with what we were doing. We knew the limits of the night I was I felt safe because we got into sexual health we got into relationship status and yeah I had never really gone into a connection. Of any kind previous to that having disclosed those things beforehand it was really yeah, it was really supportive to an amazing night together.
04:39.82
calltocourage
You know what you said there that safety that clarity like all of that stuff for me represents Not only this a grownup way of starting a communication promiseise. But it's also kind it just it's kind to be able to be clear with one another and give the other person the opportunity to be able to show up. With all the information on the table and they can make an informed decision about how they want to move forward with this connection and it's not something that we've that we've been taught. So Let me dive straight in and unpack exactly how the R bdsm conversation works if you are.
05:01.28
Matt Dahse
Are.
05:15.73
calltocourage
In the stage of your relating where you are connecting with new people are dating are looking to move into connection. This framework is going to be really really supportive for you and there are also elements of this framework that are going to be supportive in a long-term commitment but right now grab a piece of paper in a pen. And write down r b d s m and that's the acronym that is the basis of this conversation and essentially how it works is you start with r which represents relationship status and so what you do with this is. Much like Matt and this connection that he was with that evening. You get the opportunity with this new partner to be able to disclose exactly what your current relationship status is so I am currently single I am open to relating with people and I have no other agreements. That would be an example of how to use R and disclose my current relationship status and then I give the opportunity to the person that I'm connecting with to do the same and they get the chance to share their relationship status as well as any agreements that they have as a way to be able to support them and let me know exactly where they are. And now we're both on the same page with the gods to relationship status. The second part of this is b and I'll come back to that I'd like to go to d second which is actually the third one on the list and d is really around desire and.
06:45.55
calltocourage
Desire is really what it is that you're hoping to get from this connection and desire could sound like I'd like to get to know you a little bit better and maybe we can explore this a little bit more in Matt's case that evening I know how the story ended but the desire for him and the partner then was intimacy and they got to own that upfront. So. When you're using this communication framework you get to d and you get to own exactly what your desire is as you having this conversation with the person by sharing what it is that you genuinely want and an opportunity for you to be completely clear about your desires and to own them as your own and see whether there's a match. Between what it is that you're desiring and the person that you're connecting with anything that I've missed day that you can support with Matt.
07:29.96
Matt Dahse
Now desirous. That's that's it You did great.
07:33.39
calltocourage
The next. Let's say. For example, there's a match on desires around intimacy. So in Matt's example let's say they both both of them had a desire to connect intimately the next one is what I call the elephant in the room that we often don't speak about and that's sexual health. In a new connection. Sexual health is a really important thing to speak about if you're going to be engaging intimately I know that there's a version of me that has been in an intimate connection or an intimate space that has pretty much just ignored this and wanted it to unfold as it will and. That could look like seeing whether there's going to be a conversation around protection. Whether there needs to be some sort of boundary put in place in order to protect myself and or my partner but it wasn't something that we spoke about but when you get to this part of s.
08:21.99
Matt Dahse
You.
08:28.54
calltocourage
You directly speak into the sexual health protocols of where you are at the moment. So if I was connecting with somebody. We had been through the desire part and we both agreed that there was an opportunity for intimacy the sexual health conversation sounds like okay I have been for a ah sexual health test.
08:30.91
Matt Dahse
I.
08:46.71
calltocourage
Last test was a month ago I was tested for gonorrea Chlamydia Hrv etc Etc etc stating everything that you were tested for state exactly what the outcome of those particular tests were so I was clear clear clear clear clear. Since then I've been with 1 or 2 lovers I was protected or unprotected in those engagements and then share that with the other person and give them the opportunity to own their sexual health status with you and this as Matt said creates a very clear agreement frame of exactly. How we're going to engage and what needs to take place in order for us both to feel safe. So what comes after doing s is whether there's going to be a boundary. So now we're starting to get to know what the other person's desires are we know whether there's a match there for some intimacy. We have spoken about potential sexual health. Um, our tests exactly where we are with our sexual health and where there's a match again and now the opportunity for boundaries is to say okay, we're moving into this next phase I have a direct request that we don't. And then share something that I don't want to do so whatever. My boundaries might be I get the opportunity now to disclose those boundaries to my partner or this person that I'm connecting with and they have the opportunity to do the same so a boundary could be okay, thanks for sharing your sexual health status a physical boundary for me would feel like a condom because we're not sure about.
10:16.91
calltocourage
You know our our sexual health has being one hundred percent clear so let's use the boundary of a condom so you've moved through all of these processes of getting clear on your relationship status. You've both spoken about your desires. You've spoken about your sexual health status and you've spoken about your boundaries. You get the opportunity to talk about this one last piece and I I really love this piece because the m stands for meaning and this is something that I think would make many intimate partnerships so much clearer and so much cleaner by being able to own upfront. Exactly what this means to me. And so that could mean hey it's really great being with you this evening and I'm looking for a long-term partner and I hope that this grows into something but meaning when you're completely honest might mean I'm looking to have fun with somebody for one night you feel like a match but tomorrow I don't want to speak to you again because that's not what. Means to me, you get the opportunity to own what it means upfront for you and the other person gets to receive that and see whether it's a match for them before making the decision to carry on this intimate connection and likewise they get the child to express their meaning. What does it mean for them. In order for them to be able to continue with their relationship from their side and you get to decide whether that's a yes for you and the reason this one makes me so excited is because I know the version of me that didn't that didn't own exactly what intimate connections meant.
11:51.15
calltocourage
And I couldn't say you know what? this is just a hookup for me and I would keep that part secret and not disclose what the meaning was for me in a particular connection. So that I could get my needs met. But I know that that wasn't kind to the other person who may have had a different idea of what meaning was for them. Who might be looking for a ah long-term partner or ah ah a husband at some point and if we don't agree on that meaning connecting here is just unhan for both of us. So that is essentially the. Our bdsm framework and maybe Matt before I recap that you can share what what was meaning for you guys when you discussed this in your partnership.
12:32.37
Matt Dahse
Um, actually we we did this conversation and through the meaning bit. We identified that that we were both looking for long-term connection like we had we had started the physical intimacy looking for just a sexual exploration. To see where it goes but through this conversation we revealed that both of us were really looking for deeper partnership and and and and going for something like that and it it allowed us to so enter that connection knowing that that was a possibility and it then blossomed into. A marriage and ah, a beautiful son and the best relationship of my life.
13:14.68
calltocourage
So Good. It's just what what I like about what you said there is that this communication framework is something that you can continually revisit because these things start to change like your desires start to change what this connection means to me or to the other person is likely to change. As we get to know each other better and it's a continually dynamic evolving partnership and if you get the opportunity to continually drop into this and to have clear communication by going through this framework and letting the other person know when your desires change when your needs change when whatever this means. Changes for you. You really get the opportunity to be in a continual inquiry about whether what it is that we're creating together in this partnership is still good and beneficial for both of us. So Yeah I Love that you started with with that and it and that it unfolded. In that way. Did you guys continually revisit this this framework as you related for the for the time you were together.
14:16.82
Matt Dahse
Um, yeah, we revisit it probably once a year I would say we've been together for 3 years and we go in and and take a look at that and yeah, it gets it I would I Want to say it gets easier every time we do it I think we're more familiar with the process. And at the same time there's there's Butterflies. There's you know, does this still mean what it means to the other person like and again in previous relationships. These topics would just go undiscused and I would just assume or wonder and yeah, it's a lot more clean.
14:43.84
calltocourage
Smith.
14:50.63
Matt Dahse
And clear having it having it there and out in the open.
14:57.79
calltocourage
Clarity is Kindness. So if you are looking at leveling up your next intimate connection or perhaps you're in an intimate connection where these specific areas haven't been clearly defined the R bdsm conversation is the one to start with. Start by discussing your relationship status and what your agreements are and then offer the other person the opportunity to do the same then move down to your desires Express What it is that you're looking for inside this connection and then invite the other person to share their desires. What is it that they're looking for. If. There's a match on intimacy and you want to have conversations around sexual health use this as an opportunity to share your most recent sexual health updates and ask them to share theirs talk about if there's going to be any boundaries around your connection own what it is that you don't want in this connection and invite them to do the same. And then continually check in and see what this connection means for you and share exactly what that is so that the other person is gifted the opportunity to make a decision with all the information available of what's true for you in every single moment by saying this partnership means and then share whether it's a. And exploration into something more long-term whether you're looking for a short-term connection exactly what that means to you and then again invite them to share what it means so that you have the opportunity to see if there's a match in what it is that you're looking for and what the other person's able to show up for so.
16:30.50
calltocourage
Love this communication framework I really wish that I'd had it for many of my previous intimate connections because it only came into my world about five years ago and yeah, having been navigating most of my intimate relationships. It feels like blindfolded I think having this framework. Would have made it so much clearer and it would have been so much kinder to both myself and to my intimate partners in the past I think it would have been much easier to navigate our intimate relationships. So this is the third episode in our miniseries called clear relating and. I would love to invite you to join us in a deeper dive if you are looking to level up your relationships in a 6 ix-week training that we are kicking off on the thirteenth of March Twenty Twenty three Matt do you want to share exactly what clear relating the six-week framework looks like for the men that are interested in leveling up their relationships.
17:25.28
Matt Dahse
Yeah, so it's a container that's going to take place over 6 weeks where we're going to dive into the things that need to be present for you to get into the partnership that you want have the clear communication that you want. And really use it as an opportunity to expand and align to your your greater purpose. We're going to be getting to things like this like creating safety and communication with your partner. How to call in the partnership that you want how to clear out the. The baggage that you might have from past relationships.
18:18.22
Matt Dahse
Gareth I've lost it. Yeah I'm here I just lost what I was saying I was rambling.
18:18.82
calltocourage
Are yeah.
18:26.14
calltocourage
Okay, should we go back and what should we do.
18:31.38
Matt Dahse
I Don't know I'm feeling I'm feeling like I'm running on empty.
18:39.42
calltocourage
I'm having some internet stuff for your voices cutting out. So I'm actually trying to navigate yoga I couldn't actually hear what happened should them. Okay, but there was a breakout like I couldn't actually hear exactly what you were saying. Um.
18:43.22
Matt Dahse
Um, no nothing happened I'm just losing my way.
18:51.79
Matt Dahse
Oh really.
18:56.14
calltocourage
Ah, think we were there. This is pretty much done. It's just the the last piece.
18:58.26
Matt Dahse
Um, yeah.
19:02.36
calltocourage
Okay, why don't you Why don't you just I think it makes sense because I handed it over for you that you actually do deliver this piece on the on the care relating so talk about talk about who it's for.
19:11.80
Matt Dahse
Um, yeah.
19:19.10
calltocourage
s for men that are looking for partnership that have perhaps been through a recent transition that need to clear and harvest the gold from a past connection as well as communication for ongoing for ongoing relationships. Even if you're in a partnership that's a good way to start use those three and then at a high level talk about exactly what you're talking about there. Tools to be able to engage with new partners ways to be able to engage that find a match for the person that you're calling in as well as ongoing tools to support a connection. That's it.
19:50.59
Matt Dahse
Um, okay, ah.
20:28.71
Matt Dahse
So clear relating is a 6 ix-week container that we're going to be dropping into with ah a handful of other men who are either looking to call in that perfect relationship or they're in a currently functioning relationship that they want to enhance and improve. Through communication skills owning needs owning desires owning boundaries and establishing that level of intimacy and connection that allows you to elevate to a better version of you so we're going to be doing things like identifying what you want in partnership. Clearing past relationship baggage getting communication tools in place that support you doing the work on yourself so that you can show up as the partner that your partner needs to be to have that amazing relationship that you want and yeah, excited to offer this. Um. This is one area that once I got this piece of my life dialed in it was able to help me align all the other pieces of my life of taking better care of myself of being a more efficient worker of yeah getting creative and and and knowing my truth. So this is part of what we're going to be sharing in this six week experience
21:45.37
calltocourage
So good I'm really excited to be creating and sharing this with you because I feel like over the last few years you and I have been. We've had so many conversations with 1 another about how these communication frameworks have supported us and we've used some of these tools. Not only to cool partnership into both of our lives like you and I started experimenting with this stuff when we were both single and we're now you're a father married for three years I'm 4 years in a deeply transformational connection with araminta and yeah, the gifts that we've been able to to glean.
22:08.36
Matt Dahse
Right? great.
22:20.60
calltocourage
From being in these committed partnerships with a a deep underlying commitment to making these things work feels like a real gift to be able to share and I'm excited to go into this container with 18 other men and to see what comes up and to be able to support them through this process because I think. Some of the containers that we have been in personally um, personal development retreats authentic relating retreats the way that you and itana are teaching authentic communication I think we've got so many gifts to be able to share with men that perhaps you know this? This course is basically for me seven years ago or eight years ago before I had all of this stuff dialed in and so I'm really excited to be sharing some of these points that really get down to the clarity that is the kindness to ourselves and to our partners that make relating feel like a deep deep deep joy and um. The opportunity to be able to share this and co-create with you bro is going to be so epic. So if you're keen to join us. Um for clear relating. This is the first time we're running this training as Matt said it's a six week training for men that are looking to level up their relating styles by using these types of tools.
23:35.23
calltocourage
We'll put a link in the show notes but the process is to jump on a call with either myself or Matt to see whether you're going to be a fit for this training container and you can also check it out at fathers sonsbrothers.com/clear and let's jump on a call and see if this program is going to support you. To level up your relationships Matt thanks again for showing up with us I know it's the middle of the night there. But it's ah it's been. Ah, absolutely joy creating and sharing these ah these tools with our audience on this podcast and I'm excited to see you in episode 4 brother.
24:09.75
Matt Dahse
Thank you brother? Yeah, it's been a joy and I'll see at the the next episode.
24:15.27
calltocourage
Chao chao.
