00:00.00
Matt Dahse
You can only be triggered when you're loaded in this episode. You'll learn how to recognize and safely feel and move your emotions so that you don't explode and dump your shit out onto your partner.
02:22.51
calltocourage
Um.
02:32.55
calltocourage
Yes, yes, yes, back with the second last episode in our clear relating miniseries. This episode is called clear your emotions I'm Gareth coming at you from Guatemala and I'm joined by Matt who's in Thailand how you bud.
02:46.45
Matt Dahse
I am doing good here I've got a lot of ambient noises. The locust pop off but it's the middle of the night here happy to be around.
02:57.00
calltocourage
Awesome in this episode. We're going to talk about something which shows up often in relationships and if not identified properly or ah, something that you manage very clearly. Your emotions can often get the better of you and show up as explosions in a connection if you're not clear on exactly what emotions you're running and have a safe way to be able to recognize and process those emotions in your relationship. So. I Want to kick off by talking about our emotional guidance system and some way that I think society and definitely the world that I grew up in maybe had ah perhaps and a strange view of emotions where we identified certain emotions as good those emotions are happy Joy. Um, exhilarated, excited etc. And then we have negative emotions which are sadness Rage Anger frustration and I think the reason that I think that that's not necessarily a good way to Define. Our emotions is I don't think that the negative emotions and inverted Comma is negative emotions are. Necessarily negative in any experience except the fact that they don't feel good to feel and what I would like to reframe and what we want to do in this episode is recognize that our emotions are really our internal guidance system.
04:18.93
calltocourage
Much like a Gps that gives you the directions of how to get from 1 place to the next your emotions are giving you signals that let you know when the relationships that you're in when the partnerships that you're in and the situations that you're in are aligned your emotions let you know so. What that looks like in practice is when you start to feel these emotions or frustrations or anxiety or perhaps rage. That's what's actually happening. There is your body is letting you know that something in your situation or your environment needs to shift and what we're going to talk about today is how often in a relationship our partners. Become the very mirrors that reflect back to us where we perhaps have unprocessed emotions or where we felt specific emotions that haven't moved them that they show up in our connection. So I'd like you to think about your emotions as a guidance system. Support you through your life and through that frame I'm going to get Matt to share how he recognizes the triggers in his relationship and uses those and an emotional support technique which I'll share with you to be able to navigate the messages that our emotions are sharing with us.
05:32.97
Matt Dahse
And yeah, you know these emotions that we experience. Um The emotions are ok like these things that we used to call negative emotions you know like anger or or fear or sadness like it's okay to feel these things like it's part of the human experience and. With this emotional guidance System. We're able to sort of recognize when there's something out of alignment and one of the most beautiful things about partnership that is honest and authentic and supportive is that. And alignment gets created of elevating the other person to be a better version of themselves and we do this by by paying attention to these emotions like I know when I of my my wife is is stressed out or is.
06:11.32
calltocourage
Are.
06:22.90
Matt Dahse
Sad or is having a rough day like I can see that and feel that I can tell when she's triggered like I know that right away and rather than that turning into ah a fight or some sort of argument like we approach it from a way of how do we support each other. Get through this low vibration energy that we're currently stuck in and elevate them to a ah place of homeostasis where they're feeling good. They're feeling joyful and grateful about what's going on in their lives and that's yeah, that's part of what we're going to be tackling today.
06:58.59
Matt Dahse
Difficult to the.
06:58.70
calltocourage
So when we were preparing for this episode we were talking about triggers and how often they come up and what what causes there met you had. It's ah a good description of what you defined a trigger to be.
07:07.70
Matt Dahse
Um, yeah, so what is a trigger I mean it was a new word for me until maybe a couple years ago but like it's it's one of those those feelings of like a negative emotion or a sad or an anger emotion that sort of comes out of nowhere and. Maybe it's something that your partner did maybe it's something that happened to you in the course of your day and it just knocks you off your center. You feel angry. You start getting passive aggressive. You start getting yourself out of the present moment and worrying and anxiety and it's like it's almost out of control in a way and. The reason is is that triggers come from something in our past a past trauma a event that was really profound or where we were embarrassed or um, injured. It goes back often to our early childhood patterns that were taught to aspi our parents and that past history comes up in our present moment when we are triggered when our partner says the wrong thing or or an event happens to us and it. We instantly go back to that vibration from the original moment where we were experiencing trauma or having a hard time and yeah, that's that's what a trigger is and it's important to recognize that triggers are not the problem of your partner. Well.
08:33.90
Matt Dahse
Not the cause of your partner like these triggers exist within us regardless of what they're doing and so yeah, it's important to understand that when we express our triggers to our partner that this isn't an attack on them. That's something that they did. It's an analysis of ourselves. And trying to get to the bottom of what the what and the why that we're feeling the way that we're feeling does that make sense.
09:01.52
calltocourage
That's so good I love it. I think what you're talking into now is really coming back to the recognition that these emotions are really just an indicator that this past trauma that you touched on there or the past story is suddenly being reflected back to us by something that's happened in the current situation. In this particular frame. We're talking about our relationships when we think about our emotions these inverted comma as negative emotions or these trigger points as information. We really find ourselves in a powerpoint of being able to make a different choice and what I mean by that is like. If you recognize that this emotion is really an indication for you. It's information and you recognize that it's linked to a past story you find yourself in a place where you're able to make a different decision and not explode or take it out on your partner by. Doing what we're going to do right now and Matt's spoken about that. The first part is to recognize this is not your partner's fault the people in your life are merely just a mirror for you to see your own past stories and relationships and that's why relating can be such a powerful portal because. Once you've got down to the raw deep authentic state that we spoke about in the episode before this. We really get a clean space to allow all of these past traumas wounds to come up and we often find them coming up in our most intimate relationships. So.
10:26.94
calltocourage
This information that we're given through these triggers is an opportunity for us to first of all self-assess where are we in this moment so you may be in partnership you come home. Your partner says something to you that triggers you perhaps. Why didn't you do this or something that just triggers you and in that moment you feel these negative emotions and what would normally move into a fight or some sort of disagreement. You recognize this feeling as a trigger and an opportunity for you to recognize that something's coming up and you've got 2 choices here. If you believe you have the mastery to be able to have the conversation there and then move into the conversation with your partner by letting them know that you're triggered letting them know that something's come up for you and you get the opportunity to to share exactly what it is and have them hold space for you to work through what's coming up for you. For most of us that's not the first prize because a lot of those triggers come up in a way that we don't necessarily know how to handle them and I'm going to share something called an emotional release technique that will help you shift this pent-up emotion of frustration or anger that's coming up. So that you can safely have the conversation with your partner. So Matt is that a good way to tackle this How do you normally move into like unpacking something that comes up in your partnership when you feel a trigger.
11:50.54
Matt Dahse
Um, I mean when I feel a trigger sometimes Itana will see that I'm triggered before I even recognize it myself I'll be angry or upset but she's the one who observes it and she sees that I'm triggered and once. Once you identify the trigger. It's really about creating a safe space for you to drop in and have your partner hold space for you to explore this trigger because the the idea of sharing a trigger with your partner is not to point the finger at them like you said this and it's making me feel this way and you know putting it on them.
12:22.29
calltocourage
Um.
12:22.98
Matt Dahse
It's instead about feeling expressed. It's instead about feeling validated. It's sort of what you were talking about earlier with these emotionals being these emotions being a guided system and not being necessarily negative or positive. That's what your partner is there to do is help you. Analyze and feel validated in your feelings so that you can let go of these emotions look at the patterns or the old stories that are holding you to this trigger and do the work to unwind them and so yeah, like you said, if if. If you're in partnership and you're triggered and you feel like it's going to blow up and and turn into a ah full-on shouting match then the answer is to go do an emotional an emotional release technique and Gareth I think that's what you were going to teach next.
13:14.53
calltocourage
I'm laughing because ah these emotional release techniques really are based in 3 3 areas and they are breath sound and movement and there's ah we've got ah an online program called the emotional release techniques and there's. Basically 9 different techniques that you can use but because this is a podcast I'm going to give you one that you can use right now and I'm going to need you to if you have the ability to be able to safely do this with me you can otherwise save this podcast and come back to a time when you can use this technique. But what I'm going to teach you now is something called a hand scream and essentially what you're going to do and I'm going to set up my studio so that I can do this right now you're going to stand comfortably and allow your body to feel loose I'm shaking my body a little bit standing up and. Understanding these principles of breath sound and movement a hand scream is taking a big deep breath into your stomach putting your hand over your mouth and then screaming as loud as you can into your hand while at the same time shaking your body so the breath is coming out into your um. Into your hand. The sound is coming out as a scream you're blocking your mouth so that it's not waking up the neighborhood and you're shaking your body at the same time to be able to move this emotion. That's been sitting in your body through your body and out through your mouth through this emotional release technique. So.
14:41.80
calltocourage
I'm going to do one so that you can hear what it sounds like and you can imagine me breath sound and movement here. But a hand scream is legit something that I use for any emotion that I want to shift including if I get into bed at night sometimes I'm feeling super excited about work and my mind is just buzzing with excitement. A hand scream can allow me to be able to move this emotion and when you do this exercise you'll feel when you do 3 hand screams back-to-back. You feel the sense of like ah there's just this sense of calm and tranquility that comes over you having moved this emotion through your body. So. I'm gonna do this. You're not going to see me but you're gonna be able to hear me here's a hand screen podcast style.
15:37.57
calltocourage
Ah, so it's a big deep breath in it's putting a hand over your mouth and then letting that scream out with all the force that you can letting your breath out and moving your body at the same time. So that you can shift this energy and it brings even right now like I feel I would say more grounded. It's a little bit more relaxed and you've moved this negative emotion in a safe way so that you cannot drop in with your partner and you're not bubbling over I always have that analogy of. You can sometimes tell when someone's carrying a lot of emotion. They feel like they're just about to burst into tears where they just about to explode because the emotion hasn't been moved and we often don't have these tools to move this emotion and Matt you've actually recognized that as children you being a dad now. Kids know how to move their emotions as grown-ups we moved into a world where it wasn't good to scream and have a temper tantrum. We don't have any models of people using rage safely and so whenever these emotions come up we we suppress them down.
16:29.88
Matt Dahse
Whole.
16:47.18
calltocourage
And if we don't feel through these emotions and eventually move them. These are the emotions that eventually trigger us and explode in our relationships.
16:56.79
Matt Dahse
Um, yeah I absolutely see that and I see it especially in the older generations like I'll be in a restaurant. Um and Nelo my toddler son will start crying and it's itonized approach to to let him cry and to let him express and to show him that expressing his emotions is. A healthy part of the human experience and I'll notice that especially older individuals who are you know of ah of an older generation than I will will give shameful looks and they'll say things too directly to nelo.
17:25.84
calltocourage
Are.
17:30.73
Matt Dahse
Ah, like don't cry. Oh stop crying. Don't cry. Don't cry like like don't do this emotional release and that's that's sort of like you know, like doing your emotional release just now your hand scream like it sounded a bit you know crazy like we can tell just through the sound that you are throwing a lot of emotion off.
17:32.54
calltocourage
Are.
17:46.82
calltocourage
Are ah.
17:49.10
Matt Dahse
And that's not something that's woven into our social fabric as okay and so part of this emotional release process is yeah letting yourself be okay with letting these massive emotions fly because you're doing it in a healthy way. You're doing it with intention and purpose and.
17:52.48
calltocourage
Are.
18:08.45
Matt Dahse
For all you fathers out there actually I've I've created a emotional release technique called the monkey where you wave your hands with your your child and you teach them how to do a monkey and so and you're shaken and you're making the monkey sound and it's an emotional technique. Emotional Release Technique. That's that's built into the social acceptance because everyone thinks you're just playing with your kid.
18:29.98
calltocourage
I know I love what I love about this topic is how our society just yeah, just completely disregard certain things in favor of things that make us feel comfortable. You know someone screaming and shouting and moving their emotions. Because we don't know how to do that safely. We just don't do it and I think what you said there is is perfectly valid and I think we need to recognize that our emotions are information for us and once we get these tools and we start to understand how to be able to use them to safely move our emotions. Supports us to be able to navigate our intimate connections so that we don't come fully loaded and full of emotion into ah into a heated situation. So we're goingnna be deep diving into a couple more emotional release tools inside the clear relating six-week masterclass.
19:26.13
Matt Dahse
Your name.
19:27.82
calltocourage
Which is a relationship container for men. We've spoken about it at the end of every single one of these episodes 6 ix-week training container for men to really recognize their emotions as 1 element but also all the other elements required to successfully set up navigate as well as transition out of partnerships. Using some of the tools that we never got taught in school. So if you're interested in finding out more about some more emotional release techniques as well as other frameworks that you can use for care relating will include a link to that the training kicks off on the thirteenth of March until then. Please please, please go and practice this technique even if you just do a handscreen by yourself once to feel what it feels like you will start to be able to recognize that every time you feel this anxiety and frustration coming up in your relationships but you can use it for anything you can use it before a job interview. Shifting your emotions and bringing your nervous system into a calm state of being is an optimal state that many of us don't spend a lot of time in so please do a hand scream. Let us know what you think about it and um, we'll see you in the final episode. Thanks Matt.
20:35.21
Matt Dahse
Thank you Gareth see you next time.
20:40.36
calltocourage
Chao.
